Suspicion
by Hockey-Girl32
Summary: Charlie begins to realise that the Cullens are not as normal as they seem. How far will Charlie go to uncover their secret? Answer: pretty far! As Charlie tries everything to work out what they are, craziness ensues. Out Of Control.
1. Chapter 1

**Suspicion **

**Summary: ****Charlie begins to realise that the Cullens are not as normal as they seem. How far will Charlie go to uncover their secret? Answer: pretty far! Craziness ensues. Out Of Control.**

**Hey everyone, I'm back! I still can't believe that Claire, Sarah and I actually finished the Edward Diaries! I loved writing it it was so much fun! (go read it it's on my profile)**

**Anyway today we were sitting chatting at lunch and this idea kinda started. My guinea pig went missing last night. We think a fox got him ******** anyway, so i think everyone was trying to cheer me up. We started talking about what would happen if Charlie became determined to find out what the Cullens were. Lol, we're cool I know!**

**So this is a story I'm going to write by myself but i may get some input from other people.**

**Now I have to warn you, like the Edward Diaries this is meant to be funny. It is not as out of control as The Edward Diaries was but it will still be crazy. Do not expect a sensible, serious fan fic. This is for a laugh so don't complain when i make the characters do strange, outrageous things they would never normally do.**

**I have exams this week and next so I can't promise lots of updates, or any at all! So please review as I will not bother to continue unless people like it. I promise that this is more of an introductory chapter and that things will start to go crazy in the next one!**

**All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

**Please enjoy and review**

**Set in the summer between Twilight and New Moon.**

Charlie Swan was a Police Officer. Not only that, he was the chief of Police. It was his job to know everything about everyone. He thought he was good at his job. Until he met Edward.

At a first glimpse, Edward seemed to be the boyfriend every father would want for their daughter. Kind, loving, protective, well- mannered and from a good family. Never the less, Charlie couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. He was missing something big. _If only he knew..._

Charlie's suspicions grew slowly as he began to notice small things. He never ate. 'What's up with that?' thought Charlie to himself. He distinctly remembered eating nonstop as a teenager. Come to think of it, not a lot had changed...

Also, Edward's chivalry just seemed to be too good to be true. He was a hormonal teenage boy, yet Charlie barely ever saw him do anything more than kiss Bella lightly. He knew he should be happy about this, but it just didn't make sense.

Edward had been the reason Bella ran away. Also, Bella had very coincidentally "forgotten" about her fall. Dubious at best.

Something was wrong. And Charlie was going to get to the bottom of it.

*******************************************************************

As Charlie pulled into the driveway after a long day at work, frisking old lumber jacks and giving out parking tickets, he noticed that Bella's truck wasn't there.

'Unbelievable!' he thought to himself, 'Still at that boy's house at eight o clock at night! She should be at home, dressed in her ankle length skirt, reading PG 13 literature!'

He checked his gun. He had a full chamber. If Edward and Bella were up to anything more than holding hands, Charlie would be more than happy to get some firing practice in.

With an evil grin and a manic laugh, Charlie reversed out of the driveway and sped off towards the Cullen's house.

Charlie had never been to the Cullen's house before but had checked their address the day that Bella went to meet Edward's family. Charlie may have trusted Dr Carlisle Cullen, but Edward Cullen was a different matter.

It took Charlie several triesto find the entrance to the driveway that was ensnarled by overgrowing plants.

Charlie added '_family have very bad gardening skills'_ to his list of things he held against Edward.

As he negotiated his way down the narrow, winding driveway, it began to rain. Unfortunately, due to a prank Mike Newton had pulled the night before, Charlie's windscreen wipers had been super glued to his windscreen.

Cursing, Charlie tried desperately to make out the shape of the road in front of him.

'_Surely it can't be much further,'_ thought Charlie to himself.

Meanwhile, Emmett was strolling his way through the woods, humming "Uptown Girl". He was returning from a quick hunting trip where he had managed to snag several bears. Naturally, Emmett had a little fun, by throwing the bears repeatedly hundreds of feet into the air, catching them, and watching them stager drunkenly about. Emmett's booming laughter mingled with the patter of the rain as he remembered all the dizzy bears.

His ears picked up a sound. It was a car. Not Bella's. Unfamiliar. Intrigued, Emmett turned and ran towards it.

Within a few seconds he emerged onto the driveway, a little ahead of the car. Emmett quickly recognised it. It was a Police cruiser, being driven by Charlie, Bella's father. Emmett grinned to himself as he quickly thought of all the ways he could embarrass Edward in front of Charlie.

Suddenly, Charlie hit a very wet patch of mud, and his tyres began to skid. As the car spun out of control Charlie could see, even through the rain, the 50ft drop down to the river in front of him.

There were no fences or barriers to stop him.

Charlie raised his arms to protect his face as he prepared for the horrifying drop.

So, naturally, he was surprised when instead of freefall, he felt the car slam into something very hard. He hesitantly opened his eyes to see Emmett Cullen standing at the hood of the car. His feet on the very edge of the steep river bank.

Too shocked to fully realise what had happened, Charlie hastily pulled own the window and shouted,

"Move! The bank could give way! What are you doing?!"

Emmett simply grinned and replied, "it's cool Charlie! No worries!" and he slowly made his way around to the side of the car.

He opened the car door, and as Charlie was in too much shock to move, Emmett grabbed his arm and pulled him from the car. Charlie may have been shocked, but he couldn't help but notice that Emmett's skin was ice cold.

Emmett realised that Charlie was staring at his hand on his arm. He must feel how cold his hand was. Emmett quickly dropped his hand after ensuring Charlie was steady on his feet. I mean, he was related to Bella after all.

Charlie's senses began to return to him. He raised his head to look at his car. It was splattered in mud and had been scratched by branches, but what drew his attention was the huge dent in the car's bonnet. It was exactly the shape of Emmett's torso.

Charlie's eyes to flashed to Emmett. He was standing tall, unscathed and uninjured. Charlie's eyes flashed back to his mangled bonnet. Somehow this boy had managed to stop his car, which had been moving at over 40mph.

He didn't have a scratch on him. Charlie's thoughts were incoherent as he wheeled yet again from the car to Emmett and back again.

As Charlie stuttered and looked from Emmett to the car, Emmett's good humour started to wear off. He had performed a perfectly impossible feat in front of a human. Not only a human, but the Chief of Police. Not only the chief of Police, but Bella's Dad!

Emmett thought of what Rosalie would do if they had to move again.

He thought of Edward throwing a hissy fit and destroying his jeep.

He thought of Bella throwing an even bigger hissy fit because he had revealed to her father that he and his family were not human.

'_I'm in some deep shit...'_ thought Emmett.

Charlie had regained his voice.

"How.... how did you stop my car? You're not even hurt! What the hell?!" Charlie was clearly having a minor mental breakdown.

"YOU STOPPED A CAR MOVING AT 40 MPH WITH YOUR BARE HANDS!"

Okay, major mental breakdown.

Emmet tried to remain offhand. "Oh well, I like to go to the gym, you know? I mean if you did a few hours in the gym every day I'm sure you could do the same."

Charlie glared at Emmett. He was a cop. He knew he was lying. With a grunt Charlie got back into the now half mangled car. Emmet got in the passenger seat and Charlie continued up the driveway, far slower than before.

He kept sneaking glances at Emmett from the corner of his eye, trying in vain to find some rational explanation for what had just happened. He failed.

They eventually reached the Cullen's grand house and Charlie gasped. It was huge. He knew the Cullen's were well off but the grandeur took him by surprise. He didn't think they were _that_ well off!

Shaking his head, Charlie walked up to the front door and knocked. Emmett barged past and slammed the door open. "We have a visitor!"

Charlie stepped tentatively into the opulent house and was surprised to see all of the Cullens walking towards him.

'_That was quick'_ he thought.

Bella slowly walked towards her father. She was annoyed that he was taking her away from Edward. She was about to argue until she noticed that he was soaked, tired, and that his face was an angry shade of purple.

Bella grabbed her coat, kissed Edward on the cheek, something that only served to annoy Charlie further, and walked out towards her truck, waving goodbye to the others. Charlie nodded suspiciously at the Cullens, mumbled 'goodnight' and threw an extra suspicious glance at Emmett for good measure as he left.

As Bella climbed into her truck she noticed Charlie's cruiser. Even through the rain she could see the shape of the hood of his car. It quickly brought back memories of the shape of Edward's shoulders crushed into the metal of the car that had been next to hers on that fateful, icy day.

"Oh my god." Muttered Bella. This was so not good. They each drove their respective vehicles home and as Bella tried to escape up to her room, Charlie called her back.

"Bella, I need to talk to you."

Bella sighed and stood opposite Charlie's chair.

"There is something up with the Cullens. I don't know what. But today Emmett stopped my truck from going over a cliff into the river. He stopped my car that was moving at 40 mph. He doesn't even have a scratch on him."

Bella felt panic rising. He wasn't meant to be thinking about this.

"Dad, Emmett's VERY strong. That kind of stuff is normal for him."

Charlie frowned and moved onto his next argument.

"They are not related but they all have pale skin and the same eye colour."

"Dad, they live in Forks. There is no sun. Everyone is pale. Yeah, and they all like to wear contact lenses....yeah...ummm....they are a big fashion trend in ...Alaska!"

Charlie didn't believe her.

"Bella, I can't help but notice that they are all very good looking."

Bella was running out of options for throwing Charlie off course. She went for the Hissy fit option.

"OMG DAD! You are so perverted! Why would you even notice that! That's sick! THEY ARE ALL 17 AND 18, YOU PAEDOPHILE!"

Bella then proceeded to run up to her room and slam the door.

Charlie sat at the table for hours. He thought so much his Neanderthal brain creaked with the strain. _Pale skin. Bronze eyes. Beauty. Freezing Cold. They never eat. They are just creepy..._ Thoughts swirled around Charlie's head. Eventually he fell asleep, muttering to himself.

"Their secret, I _ will _find their secret...."

***************************************************************************

The next morning Bella headed off to School to spend her day staring at Edward rather than learning. Charlie slowly drove to work in his half – destroyed car.

After arranging for a replacement car, he began to dig up any dirt that could possibly exist on the Cullens. He went through their Police records with a fine tooth comb. Nothing. He asked around town. Apart from the odd piece of made up gossip, nothing. He even Googled them. Nothing.

As a last ditch attempt, Charlie went to Forks Hospital to ask the staff about Dr Cullen.

Mean while, at Forks High school, Bella sat drooling at the lunch table, staring at Edward. Emmett became irritated by the drip...drip....drip... this created so put a tray underneath her mouth. Problem solved.

Back at the Hospital Charlie was walking through the waiting room when a display caught his eye. It was pictures from throughout the Hospital's history. After admiring some grotesque pictures of surgeries gone wrong, patients with extra limbs, and burns victims, another picture caught his eye.

I was dated 1909 and showed all the hospital staff. Charlie was about to turn around when something caught his eye. There, on the front row was Dr Carlisle Cullen.

There was no mistaking him. With a gasp, Charlie wrenched the picture from the wall and hurried out to his car, receiving some very bad looks from elderly ladies on the way.

He spent the rest of the day staring at the picture. Carlisle hadn't aged. Another thing to add to the suspicions list. _They were immortal_.

Charlie headed over to his computer. For hours he trawled through internet pages, searching for answers. One thing was for sure, Charlie Swan could never be accused of not caring who, or _what_ his daughter was dating.

Many doughnuts, several cups of coffee and a sever increase in cholesterol later, Charlie found it. The answer. He knew what they were.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**Okay! Here's chapter two! Sorry it took so long but i have had exams******** They are over now and i am recovering from my Duke of Edinburgh expedition at the weekend. For those of you who don't know, it's this crazy thing where you have to walk twenty miles over some hills and camp out. It's hell. **

**Anyway here it is. Sorry, but I cant promise another update very soon as i am very busy and tired. I will try though! I promise! Your comments are what keep me going so please review!**

**Twilight doesn't belong to me blah de blah you know how this goes.**

**Warning: This story now gets very out of control! If you don't like it, don't say I didn't warn you!**

**In no way in this chapter do I mean to offend gypsies or travelling people. This is just a joke I have with my friend Annabelle. This is just some rubbish I am making up and it makes no sense. Just bear with me! Charlie has just gone a little crazy, that's all. (you will see what I mean in a minute)**

Gypsies.

...

Charlie had concluded that all of the things about the Cullens he had noticed, the beauty, the pale skin, immortality, meant that they were gypsies.

As a child, Charlie had been told many stories by his Aunt of wicked gypsies. Of how they preyed on young girls, bewitching them with magic.

His conclusion may have been ridiculous, unbelievable and miles from the truth, but to be fair, Charlie was sleep deprived, terrified for his daughter and more than a little mad.

Elated due to what he believed, was a correct discovery, Charlie drove home in his new cruiser and slept soundly. Unaware that Edward "The Gypsy" was curled up in bed next to his daughter on the other side of the wall.

Edward had become increasingly worried about Charlie's suspicions and was keeping tabs on his thoughts. However, that night Charlie's brain was so befuddled by sugar, caffeine and sleep deprivation that Edward could not understand a word he was thinking.

With a contented sigh he laid his head down next to Bella's and listened to her mumble about all the dirty things she would do to him if he wasn't such a prude.

*********************************************************************************

The next morning was a Saturday. Edward picked Bella up early and they drove to the Cullen's house, the entire journey taken up by them quietly trying to persuade each other that _they_ were the most beautiful, not themselves.

Charlie did something he very rarely did. In fact, he never had. He took the day off work. He had spent that morning in bed, building on his theory. He persuaded himself that because they lived in a forest they were gypsies. He remembered that they had travelled down from Alaska so they must have had to flee after performing evil magic spells. However the only semi – rational part of his brain proclaimed that they couldn't be gypsies as they were _very_ rich.

But the larger part of his brain, that had been crazy over concern about his Daughter's boyfriend, argued that they had simply used gypsy spells to steal money.

Now he was completely confident of his theory he began to prepare. First he dressed in his camouflage combats and t – shirt. Half for blending in with the forest, half for dramatic effect. He then smeared mud all over his face.

Next he grabbed a rucksack. In it he put several things.

A book - "Gypsies for Idiots"

Binoculars – for spying

A sandwich – he may get peckish

His gun – now he believed he knew Edward's secret, he had no intention of letting him near Bella again. He was planning on drastic measures.

And lastly, Bella's latest school photo in which she had her familiar gormless expression, mouth hanging open. This was to remind him what he was fighting for. The Bella that was uncorrupted by strange, green-eyed gypsy boys.

Charlie was ready. He drove to the start of a path that passed within a few miles of the Cullen's house. He was incredibly pumped for his coming mission as he had been listening to the "Bring it On" soundtrack on the way there.

He began his walk through the forest. Although he was miles from the Cullen's house, Charlie couldn't help but do some forward rolls along the ground and pose around with his gun. He had seen _Mission Impossible 3_ one too many times.

As he leapt out from behind a tree, clutching his gun, he screamed a girlish scream at the shock of coming face to face with Mrs Dunn, the kind old lady that lived round the corner. She screamed for a second but then her eyes rolled back into her head and she feinted from a mixture of fear and shock.

Charlie stared dejectedly down at her. After spending a few minutes wondering what to do, Charlie knelt down, slapped her around the face a few times and continued on his mission. A few hours later and after many badly re-enacted action man moves, Charlie was drawing close to the Cullen's house.

**Meanwhile, at Casa de Cullen**

Alice was skipping around the house humming, tossing flower petals around in her normal manner, when a vision struck. It was Charlie. Covered in mud. Wearing combats. Crawling towards their house with a gun. She burst out laughing.

'_Oh we do get ourselves in some crazy-ass situations sometimes!' _ She thought to herself.

Edward was upstairs in his room with Bella. He was currently showing her his collection of stamps as he had already spent 3 hours showing her his collection of pressed flowers.

Bella sat on the sofa, struggling to keep her eyes open. Edward believed that this was due to her patience being very poor due to her being human. Little did he know it was because he had the most boring hobbies ever.

So, as Edward was half way through describing one of his favourite stamps which he picked up in Belgium, He heard Alice having a very unusual vision.

He burst into laughter and darted from the room.

"Carlisle! Esme! Everyone come downstairs!" shouted Edward, desperate to see the look on Charlie's face when his entire family saw him making a complete and utter fool of himself. Edward still had no idea of what Charlie was doing; all he knew was that he looked downright hilarious.

Charlie had now reached the edge of the clearing the Cullen's house stood in. He still believed that his presence had gone unnoticed. He quickly began to run in a crouch across the open ground that surrounded the large, white house. He rested for a minute with his back pressed against the wall.

He took a deep breath. He started to give himself a pep talk. Little did he know all of the Cullens were on the other side of the wall, hearing every word.

"_Come on Charlie! You can do this! You are a Police officer! Aunt's tales were only made up! They will not hurt me!"_

At overhearing this, the Cullen turned to Alice and Edward, who both shrugged in unison. They hadn't a clue what he was rambling on about.

Charlie, who had spent a lot of time and effort trying to remain hidden, walked up to the porch, and rung the doorbell. Twice. He meant business.

He stood there smirking; convinced he was going to catch them in the middle of some gypsy magic. So, he was surprised when the door immediately opened to reveal all of the Cullens standing shoulder to shoulder.

As they all caught a glimpse of Charlie, dressed in combats, covered in mud, looking a like a fat, balding action man figure, they all had the overwhelming urge to laugh. Carlisle, Esme and Jasper repressed it while the others burst into hysterics.

Charlie stood glaring at the Cullens.

As Carlisle waited politely for Charlie to say something, anything, Bella came down the stairs. She had become bored of waiting for Edward to come back upstairs so she had come down to investigate the laughter.

At first Bella didn't recognise Charlie on the doorstep as he was so covered in mud.

As Bella approached, Carlisle broke the silence.

"Well, this is a surprise Charlie, how can we help you?" Said Carlisle politely.

"How did you know it was me?!" Shouted Charlie indignantly.

Carlisle sighed, "Only you have a beer belly that large. No amount of mud is going to cover that up."

As the Cullens tried to stifle their laughter, Charlie glared at Carlisle, his eyes full of hate. He was about to say something but was distracted by Bella.

Bella had reached the Cullens and had gone to stand next to Edward. She wrapped her arms around him and stood on her tiptoes to kiss him on the cheek.

"Are you coming back upstairs?" She asked him, trying to be seductive.

Bella was still oblivious to the fact that her father was standing a few feet from her. The father that was now turning a shade of deep purple that was distinguishable even through the mud.

Edward turned to face Bella, "Sure my love, go wait on my bed. I still have many things to show you. I can even show you something that is illegal in several Middle-Eastern countries!"

Charlie was unaware that Edward was talking only about his stamp collection and so misinterpreted Edward's words.

His face turned from purple to red.

Edward leant down and kissed Bella on the lips.

Charlie's face turned a worrying shade of blue.

Edward moved his hand to Bella's lower back and brought his other hand up to her face.

Charlie exploded.

"GET YOUR HANDS OFF HER YOU FILTHY, DISGUSTING CREATURE!"

The Cullens instantly stopped their quiet giggling and turned wary and frightened.

Edward was feeling uncharacteristically bold and so tightened his grip on Bella, smirking down at Charlie who had now managed to turn a deep shade of Indigo from anger.

Charlie glared at the assembled family and uttered the words that all the Cullens were terrified of hearing. The words that somehow gave them a strange feeling of déjà vu... hmmmm....

"I know what you are." Said Charlie, his voice confidant and full of conviction.

The Cullens visibly tensed, their worst fear being played out in front of them.

"_Oh no! He knows our secret! What a disaster!" _ Thought Carlisle

"_Noooooo! He can't know! This will ruin everything! We will have to kill him now! It will break my poor Bella's heart! *internal sobs*"_ thought Edward.

Emmett, as usual, was not overly concerned by this turn of events. _"So Charlie boy knows, hmm... wonder if the others will be angry if they find out I exposed us....? Probably....Oh well! At least the Football is on tonight!"_

Charlie was not about to stop his accusations.

"You honestly think you could hide it. It's obvious. I can't believe it took me this long to realise. Well now I know, and it's the end for you lot and your charade!"

The Cullens had been taken for surprise for once. Never before had someone confronted them, claiming to know what they were. They simply didn't know what to do.

Charlie stepped forward and began his declaration. He watched way too many movies.

"You're impossibly fast and strong. Your skin is pale white and ice cold. You never eat or drink anything. You don't go out in the sunlight. And sometimes you speak, like you're from a different time. I know what you are."

The Cullen were suddenly struck by a new feeling but it went unnoticed, disguised by all the fear about what Charlie knew. They felt déjà vu. They had heard those lines before...

Carlisle wanted the suspense over with. It was killing him. Well, not literally of course, that's impossible. Metaphorically, it was killing him.

He managed to choke out the words, "Say it Charlie, out loud. Say it."

Charlie gave the Cullens one last cold look, squared his jaw and told them, without hesitation, what he thought they were.

"Gypsies."

...

There was a few seconds of shocked silence.

...

Then, after the Cullens mentally checked that they had heard him correctly, they burst into hysteric laughter.

Esme fell to her knees, clutching her sides, laughing at around 100 decibels. All the Cullen children followed suit, Emmett clutching onto the wall for support, leaving a large dent.

Carlisle tried, and failed, to keep calm. Not only was Charlie's theory ridiculous, but Jasper's moods were more infectious than Bird Flu and he was now currently rolling about on the floor, laughing his head off.

Edward was shaking with laughter and Bella joined in.

However, Charlie was too angry to be affected by Jasper's mood.

He stood, rooted to the spot on the doorstep, utterly shocked. He had expected indignation and feeble attempts to argue with his theory, but not hysterical laughter.

As the Cullens lost all their dignity, laughing in the door way, Charlie analysed their reaction.

"_hmm...maybe I'm wrong...I'm so far off the mark they thinks it's funny....No! I'm right! They are gypsies! They are just trying to get me to doubt my theory by laughing at it!"_

Charlie coughed loudly. He wasn't finished shouting at them just yet. When the Cullens ignored him he shouted,

"Gypsies! I'm not done with you yet!"

This set Emmett into even more hysterical hysterics but the rest of the Cullens managed to gain some control of themselves, picking themselves up, laughing quietly.

They no longer had to fear that Charlie knew they were vampires so concluded that they may as well have a little fun.

Charlie was now so angry he was shaking so hard that small flakes of the mud that had dried onto his face, were now falling to the ground in brown clouds.

"I WILL TELL EVERYONE!"

"Yeah, you do that Charlie. Tell everyone we're gypsies!" Jasper managed to choke out while continuing to laugh.

Emmett managed to quieten his howls of laughter and turned to face Charlie, his face instantly becoming serious. He decided he wanted to freak Charlie out. A creepy evil grin formed on Emmett's face.

Charlie was more than a little afraid.

"You know Charlie, I can see the future." Said Emmett menacingly, stepping towards the angry, muddy man.

Alice snorted, seeing where Emmett was going with this.

"What?" Charlie stuttered, unable to help himself from asking about his future, taking Emmett's supposed power as proof of gypsy magic.

Emmett's grinned widened. "Me punching you in the face!"

The Cullen's tried to keep their face's solemn, to try and scare Charlie away.

Charlie staggered backwards, off the steps leading up to the door, onto the driveway.

His anger was quickly being replaced by fear.

"Right, Bella, we're leaving. _NOW_!"

Bella, who had been terrified that Charlie knew about the Cullens, was now simply finding the situation hilarious as she knew Charlie's suspicions were way off.

She smiled sweetly at him. "Sorry Daddy, but I think I'll stay with Edward."

"No you will not young lady! I will not let you be around these demons anymore, THEY HAVE BEWITCHED YOU WITH THEIR GYPSY SPELLS!"

This brought on another round of laughter. Charlie gave up trying to drag Bella from Edward's arms when he realised he wasn't strong enough.

Edward's good humour was starting to wear off as he had realised that he as missing his favourite show on the _Collecter's World_ channel.

He glared at Charlie and heard his heart accelerate in fear.

Charlie thought, "_What if he had gypsy magic? Will he hurt me?"_

Edward heard that.

"Yes I have magic. Magic so powerful you wouldn't believe me I told you about it."

He stepped closer to Charlie.

"I can do things no one else can do, like nothing you have ever seen."

Charlie cowered in fear as Edward advanced.

"Would you like to see? I could use you as an example." Edward's black menacing eyes sent spirals of ice cold fear into Charlie's heart. He stood absolutely still, terrified. He was frozen to the spot.

Edward stepped right up close to Charlie and bent his head towards him.

"Boo."

This tipped Charlie over the edge. He screamed a girlish scream, turned, and sprinted towards his car. Sprinting, meaning waddling at a fast pace. Fast pace, meaning about the speed of a drugged up granny on an electric Zimmer frame.

He finally reached his cruiser, collapsed into the seat and slammed the door. He had already decided to abandon Bella, deciding that he would rescue her later with the aid of back up.

He slammed his foot on the accelerator and sped off down the driveway.

The Cullens and Bella stood watching him go, still laughing quietly. Bella was worried about her father's mental state, but soon forgot this when she looked at Edward's face. Her thoughts turned from,

"_hmmm....Charlie may be mentally ill....the stress can't be good for him..."_

To

"_yum...Edward....must...throw....myself...at...him....mmm....yum...."_

The Cullens returned inside the house and Edward dragged Bella upstairs. Much to Bella's disappointment, after Edward had happily agreed to show her the family jewels, he lead her to a giant safe, rather than to where she had hoped he was taking her. His bedroom.

Meanwhile, Charlie had raced dementedly through the quiet streets of Forks, dodging lumber lorries and evil dogs named Jacob. Eventually, he reached the Police Station.

He immediately declared that he had discovered that the Cullens were gypsies and that a full scale Police attack was to be launched on their house to free his daughter from their evil gypsy clutches.

Needless to say, the other two police officers were not convinced. They sat Charlie down, gave him some coffee, and sent him home for some sleep, ignoring his crazed mutterings about the Gypsies living in the forest.

Charlie was deposited at his front door and he opened up the house. He sat down at the table.

He was sure of his theory. He needed to save Bella. Why didn't his colleagues believe him? By this point Charlie was exhausted. A long day of running thorough the wood s and emotional stress had taken their toll. Charlie's head slumped forward onto the cheap wood of the table.

He fell asleep, continuing to plot, even in his dreams, about how he would expose the Cullens and rescue Bella.

A little while later, Bella returned home. Edward had sent her out of his house after she had persuaded Edward to let her show him what she meant by 'family jewels'.

Once Edward realised she didn't mean the giant ruby Carlisle owned, he became mortified, threw some leaflets about the Joys of Abstinence at her, and put her in her truck with a cold, 'bye'.

Bella stood looking at Charlie for a little while, worrying about the effects her dating a vampire were having on him. She sighed, decided it was out of her hands, and climbed the stairs up to bed.

Meanwhile, at the police station, a very confused and upset Mrs Dunn staggered in, reporting that Charlie, The Chief of Police, had left her unconscious in the woods. Charlie's troubles weren't over yet.


	3. Chapter 3

**Okay here's chapter 3! This is a very long one so I expect comments! Please!**

**Anyway, I typed this at my cousin's house on her laptop. Which seems to crash every two minutes. Great, really great. So you should appreciate this as it is stressing me out!**

**Anyway, thanks to R2-D2106 for the great idea about the movie choice - you will see! ****J**

**And thanks to Erin for helping me check it, the use of her annoying laptop, and her irritatingly loud breathing. (it's a long story)**

**Just to warn you it all gets a bit crazy in this chapter!**

**I don't own twilight blah de blah etc.**

**Please read and review!**

**CHAPTER 3**

Charlie awoke to find his neck screaming due to the way he had slept last night. The side of his face was now a mirror image of the patterns in the wood that was on the table. With a groan he heaved himself up and staggered over to the sink. After a glass of water, his head began to clear.

Suddenly, it all came rushing back. Accusing the Cullens of being gypsies, them laughing, him abandoning Bella at the Cullen's house, making wild accusations in front of his colleagues.

Charlie instantly poured away the water and reached for the whiskey.

He sat at the table for several minutes and the clogs of his brain gradually started to turn with the aid of gratuitous amounts of whiskey. Although he may have thought that his theory was correct, he was beginning to doubt it. True, the Cullens reaction may have been a show, to dissuade him from his theory, but now, it all seemed slightly ridiculous to him.

Even though he was still slightly mad and a little drunk, sleep had helped him see clearly. The Cullen's weren't gypsies. They were _something_, but they weren't gypsies.

Charlie sighed again. He was right back to square one.

He drained his glass of whiskey and headed over to the cupboard. After munching several bars of chocolate and many unhealthy food products, Charlie felt better. Bella came down the stairs and Charlie was relieved to see she had come home last night. She grabbed a cereal bar and rushed out the door yelling, "I'm off to school" before Charlie could confront her about last night.

He waddled through to the living room and collapsed on the sofa.

So, if they weren't gypsies, what were they?

He searched through his brain; luckily this didn't take long, as there wasn't much to search; for any kind of creature, monster or legend that would fit the descriptions of the Cullens.

'_Elves? No, they're too tall to be elves._

_Hmmm…_

_Ogres? ….No, they're too good looking._

…

_Fairies? No, they don't wear enough dresses…but that Alice girl! Maybe she is a fairy! But the others…_

_Hmmm…._

_Mermaids? No, not wet enough, and no mermaid can hide their tail THAT well! _(Charlie had seen the film 'Aquamarine' a few too many times…)

_Wizards? No, I haven't seen any lightning shaped scars on any of them…_

_Smurfs? No, not blue enough.'_

Charlie was becoming increasingly frustrated as he couldn't work it out. He started to pace, still speculating.

'_Jedi? Well their reactions are fast enough, but they never carry Lightsabers. That I know of…_

_Gargoyles? Well they do appear to be made of stone…but they don't have wings and they are not ugly enough._

…'

Charlie remembered picking up one of Bella's books, It was about legends of this weird tribe, and it seemed very familiar for some reason. He struggled to remember what the book talked about…

'_Werewolves! No, Edward's not smelly or hairy or obnoxious enough to be werewolf. He doesn't sexually assault girls or fall in love with weird mutant babies (that I know of)._

Charlie smacked the nearest sofa cushion in frustration. He had run out of ideas. He decided that he was going to find out, and soon. He turned to the phone and dialled Bella's mobile number. (**Yes, Bella has stopped living in the Middle ages and has bought a phone.)**

Bella picked up.

"Hi Bella, it's dad."

"Oh, hey…" Bella was hesitant as she was fully aware that Charlie was suspicious.

"It was just to say that I would like it if you brought Edward over tonight so that we could….ah….bond."

Bella could see right through him.

"Emm…dad, I kinda can't…."

"Because?" Charlie interrupted harshly.

"Eh…Edward's going to the doctors." Charlie could see right through Bella. Being a bad liar ran in the family.

"Bella, his father IS the doctor. Bring him round tonight. No arguments. Bye." Charlie hung up with a smile on his face. He was one step closer to discovering Edward and his family's secret.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Charlie spent the rest of the day at the station, trying to prove he wasn't going crazy by acting normally. Because, In reality, he _was_ going crazy.

He returned home from work to find Bella where she always was, slaving away over a hot stove.

'_that's my girl!' _thought Charlie.

Bella gave Charlie an evil stare, still irritated by his ceaseless efforts to discover Edward's secrets. He was becoming very problematic for her.

Charlie sat at the table, watching Bella, wondering if she knew about Edward's secret.

'_hmm…she probably does. She's being very defensive. OVERLY defensive if I must say…but then again, if she knew, she would never be with him. His secret just HAS to be something bad. I mean, she would come to me, talk to me. She trusts me.'_

Charlie reassured himself that Bella was clueless and obviously oblivious to Edward and his family's suspicious antics. Little did he know that Bella knew everything and did not trust him in the slightest.

Bella dropped pans and slipped about the kitchen in her normal retardedly clumsy manner and eventually set down a plate of food infront of Charlie. She sat down and began to eat.

Charlie's eyes narrowed.

"Aren't we going to wait for Edward?" he asked, watching Bella's face slightly.

"No, he's coming in ten minutes, he's eating with his family." Bella blushed and looked down. She truly was an appalling liar.

'_so_' Charlie thought to himself, '_he's not coming to dinner. Hmm… wonder what that could mean…now that I think about it….he never comes to dinner…I suppose that's because they never eat…well at least I have never seen them eat….maybe they are all just anorexics…'_

Charlie's musings were cut off by the door bell and Bella jumped up, grabbing Charlie's plate and her own, dumping them in the sink. Charlie began to waddle slowly towards the door, and when Bella tried to beat him to the door, he threw out a hand, propelling her over the back of the sofa. He was going to work this out, and _no one_, not even his beloved daughter, would stop him.

Charlie wrenched open the door to find a politely smiling Edward.

"Good evening Charlie." Charlie's eyes narrowed, his anger increasing just by looking at Edward, his face slightly cocky.

Charlie simply nodded in reply and as he turned away from the door he thought to himself,

'_I WILL find out what you are.'_

"You will try." Charlie spun around, as even though Edward had whispered it, it had been just a little too loud.

Charlie gave Edward a death glare that would put an irritated Paris Hilton to shame. He tried to cover his surprise.

'_Could he really read minds?!'_

Edward simply continued to walk past Charlie towards Bella.

'_Hmm…there's only one way to test that theory.'_

Edward by this point had reached Bella and was too distracted by his true love to hear Charlie's plotting to test his mind reading ability.

Charlie coughed and Edward was broken from the trance he had fallen into by staring at Bella's vacant expression. He listened into Charlie's thoughts.

'_Ew! That's DISGUSTING! Edward has dog poo on his shoe and all the way up the back of his trouser leg!'_

Although Edward was 99% sure he didn't, he was a little vain and wanted to look nice in front of Bella.

He surreptitiously turned his head, pulling his shoe up wards to check for any lurking dog's dirt. There was nothing there.

"YES!" Charlie yelled, punching the air with his fist. Charlie 1, Edward 0

Edward's face was horrified as he realised what he had just done but immediately tried to cover it up, leaning down to scratch his leg. Charlie wasn't fooled and walked towards the sofa with a huge grin on his face. He finally had some definite proof, Edward could read minds.

Bella stood, eyes flickering between them, confused. Edward simply shook his head at her, whispering under his breath that he would explain later.

Charlie's excitement started to wane and then something dawned on him. Edward could read minds. He knew everything he thought about, all his suspicions and all his plans. His mouth dropped open on shock.

Edward pulled Bella over to the other sofa and sat down, grinning at Charlie. There was no doubt in Charlie's mind now, Edward's reaction had proved his theory.

Charlie immediately started to yell horrific insults and swear words at Edward in his head and he visibly flinched. Charlie smiled. Charlie 2, Edward 0.

Charlie had already explained to Bella that he just wanted to watch TV with Edward and Bella, to 'get to know Edward better'. Bella was fully aware that he planned nothing of the sort, he only wanted to dig some dirt on Edward.

Charlie picked up the remote and turned on the TV. It was on a baseball game.

"Do you like baseball?" Charlie asked Edward politely.

Edward played along with the charade. "Yes, very much."

Without a seconds hesitation, Charlie changed the channel. It was now on a romantic drama. Two young lovers leant in towards each other to kiss. Edward wrapped an arm around Bella's shoulders. Charlie changed the channel.

Charlie flicked though channel after channel, until Bella said, "Dad! Just pick a channel already!"

With a sigh, Charlie clicked the remote button one last time. The TV was now showing a movie channel.

Throughout the adverts there was an awkward silence and eventually the starting credits appeared.

'_Oh god.'_ Edward though to himself. The movie was, 'Dracula'.

Bella didn't know whether to laugh; at the ridiculousness of the situation, or cry; as they had little hope of concealing Edward's secret while Charlie watched a film about cold, pale - skinned, blood drinking vampires. Charlie wasn't _that_ stupid.

She turned worriedly to Edward who squeezed her hand. He leant down and whispered in her ear.

"There's nothing we can do, if I left it would only make him more suspicious. We will just have to hope he stays oblivious." Edward's face was stern, his mouth set in a hard line.

During the first half of the film, little happened, apart from Edward and Bella radiating stress and Charlie sending Edward dark looks for having his arm around Bella.

But, as the film progressed, Charlie's brain slowly began to wind into action.

'_hmm.. This film's not too bad. I will have to recommend it to Billy. Costumes are great! But the make - up's a bit crap. I mean, vampires are meant to be pale, this one has a slight blush! They should use better make up so…- _Charlie's make up wonderings were interrupted as his conscious mind finally received the message his subconscious had been screaming at him for the duration of the first half of the movie.

'_pale, cold skin…hmmm…' _Charlie glanced at Edward. '_Edward has pale skin! It's practically white! And he's very cold! I noticed that when he brushed against me a few days ago…'_

Edward sat rigidly in his chair, feeling something that was rare for him. Pure, utter, terror. Charlie was so close to realising.

'_But then, I suppose lots of people are pale in Forks, I mean look at Bella! And that day was rather cold…' _Charlie's attention returned back to the movie and Edward sighed in relief.

The movie continued, and something else grabbed Charlie's attention.

'_Wow, these vampires sure are strange creatures. I mean, they are deathly pale and cold but are also extremely good looking. _without consciously deciding to do so, Charlie's eyes moved to Edward. '_hmmm…maybe…' - _Edward looked like he was about to have a hernia, if that was possible. '_…no, don't be ridiculous Charlie…' _he told himself.

A few minutes later, Charlie's list of weird features of vampires was increasing. '_and they never eat, how weird is that?! They also perform super human feats of strength and speed…wait…' _Charlie's eyes flashed once again to Edward who was sitting staring dejectedly at the screen, silently praying that Charlie would stop his musings right there and then.

Charlie was running through his memory of Emmett stopping his speeding truck…

No such luck.

Something inside Charlie clicked. No, clicked isn't the best word. Something inside Charlie exploded, the barrier in his brain keeping him from the truth disintegrated, and everything; the things he had observed, the gossip he had heard, his suspicions; all made sense.

Charlie's face was now staring straight at Edward, eyes wide, mouth open. Bella and Edward sat huddled in fear at what was going on in Charlie's head. Bella was oblivious. Edward was not.

'_cold, pale skin. Inhumanly beautiful. Lightning fast and super strong. They never eat._'

Comprehension dawned on Charlie's face, and it was so clear, that even Bella noticed.

Then Charlie thought the one word Edward had been dreading hearing.

'_Vampire.'_

Edward's face fell into one of utter despair and his eyes pleaded with Charlie, begging his subconscious to give Charlie a very convenient stroke, that would explain away Charlie's new theory as brain damage. It wasn't even a theory. It was the truth.

'_OME! OH MY EDWARD! - IS A VAMPIRE!'_

Edward jumped up, desperate to put as much distance between himself and Charlie as possible. The longer he was in sight, the more links Charlie was going to make between him and Dracula. But this was not the only reason, as Edward knew that it was already too late, Charlie knew. No, he needed to talk to his family, especially Carlisle, as soon as possible.

Edward started towards the door, shouting, "Yeah, I have to go! Look at the time! It's 9 already! I have to…uh….go to bed! Bye!"

Charlie sat in shock for a few more seconds until what he had just discovered sank in.

Edward was a vampire. He sucked people's blood (as far as Charlie knew). He was strong, fast, and designed to kill humans. He was DATING his BELOVED DAUGHTER!

At this moment, Charlie's shock quickly turned to anger. It was still to early for the fear to set in as the fact that Edward could kill him easily within milliseconds had yet to dawn on him.

His angry facial colouring quickly bypassed the normal colours of red, indigo and blue, skipping straight onto a new colour entirely, one reserved only for men who discover their daughter is dating a vampire. Needless to say that until this day, the colour had yet to be discovered. It was henceforth know as 'colour Charlie'.

He jumped up faster than he ever had before, knocking his chair over backwards. If Bella had been clueless before, she was now fully aware that Charlie had noticed her boyfriend's vampireness **(is that a word? I think it should be!)**

Edward was now at the door and was wrenching it open. Charlie grabbed two things off the counter on his way to the doorway. When he reached the doorway, Edward was hurrying across the lawn towards his car. He was moving at human speed, hoping futilely that somehow he could dissuade Charlie about his theory at a later date.

This hope disappeared when Charlie raised his gun, the first thing he had picked up from the counter, and fired three shots at Edward.

The first hit him solidly in the chest, ricocheting into a nearby tree. The second bounced off his cheek, smashing a neighbour's window, and the third, Edward caught in mid air, in a an action so quick, that Charlie didn't have a hope of seeing it.

Edward no longer cared if he wasn't acting human. Charlie knew, so there was no reason to let bullets ruin a perfectly good pair of trousers.

Edward turned to Charlie, looking slightly upset. Although bullets didn't _hurt_. Knowing someone was trying to kill you was still _hurtful._

Charlie's mouth hung open in disbelief.

'_HOLY CRAP! I CAN'T EVEN SHOOT THIS THING! HE'S TOO FAST!'_

Just to check, Charlie raised the gun to try and shoot Edward once more. However, at this point Bella had made her way to the door and lunged at Charlie's hand, knocking his gun to the floor.

"WILL YOU STOP SHOOTING HIM! IT'S JUST ANNOYING AND NOISY! BULLETS WON'T EVEN HURT HIM!"

Bella was also sick of lying and trying to protect Edward's secret. And, quite frankly, she didn't see the point of trying anymore as Charlie quite obviously knew.

Charlie turned away from his daughter, mind reeling with the sheer number of strange things he was discovering and hearing in the space of a few short hours.

As a last ditch attempt to protect his daughter he picked up the second thing he had grabbed from the counter, handful of garlic.

He then proceeded to hurl this at Edward, screaming,

"BE GONE, YOU DISGUSTING CREATURE! YOU FOUL MONSTER! STAY AWAY FROM BELLA!"

If the situation had not been so dreadfully serious, Edward would have burst out laughing as Charlie threw garlic at him. He rolled his eyes, and disappeared into the darkness.

Charlie stood gasping on the front step for a few seconds, what had just happened fully sinking in. He had shot Edward. The bullets _bounced off._ he was a vampire.

'_why me?' C_harlie silently asked god.

God replied, '_because you are stupid, you stepped on a snail in a past life, and because your antics amuse me!'_

However, Charlie did not hear this. He turned slowly to face Bella, who was standing looking sheepish. And she thought she was in big trouble when she came home ten minutes after curfew…

The look on Charlie's face alone made Bella take a few steps back.

He was livid.

"Isabella Marie Swan. I was worried about you dating _perverts_, but never once did I think I would have to worry about you dating BLOOD SUCKING MONSTERS!" Charlie's voice only got louder. "IS IT NOT HARD ENOUGH FOR ME TO REALISE THEY _EXIST,_ BUT YOU HAVE TO BE _DATING ONE OF THEM!"_

The roar of Charlie's voice shook the house. Bella cowered against the wall. It occurred to her that even though the evidence was clear, no one had said _out loud_, that Edward was a vampire.

"Dad, I don't know what you are talking about? All I know is that you went crazy and started shooting Edward." Bella smiled innocently.

Charlie wasn't fooled, he knew that she had known all along.

Charlie realised that screaming wasn't helping and so changed tactics. He lowered his voice, his eyes pleading with her to understand.

"Really Bella, what are you thinking? You knew about this all along, didn't you?" - Charlie took Bella's silence as a yes- "I thought so! Didn't you even think about yourself? He could kill you! How can you even bear to be in the same room as him, knowing what he is. He's a monster."

It was these three words that sent Bella over the edge. No one called Edward a monster.

Her eyes lit up with anger and she took a step towards her father, jabbing a finger into his rather large belly.

"You listen to me!" She hissed, as Charlie looked shocked, "Edward is nothing of the sort! He and his family only hunt animals. _ANIMALS!_ I believe you do the same! He had no choice in what he became. He fights his instincts everyday to be around me, TO KEEP ME SAFE! HE HAS NEVER HURT ME!"

Charlie's shock wore off, and although the small part of his brain that was thinking rationally told him to stop and listen, the larger, angry part was more dominant.

"How am I meant to believe that?! He is a monster! How can he even exist! It's not right! IT'S NOT NATURAL!!"

Bella opened her mouth to reply but Charlie interrupted her.

"I'm going to expose them, have them taken away, to keep you safe." Charlie said this confidently.

Bella thought of a million things to do then. Protest Edward's innocence, point out that everybody thought he was crazy and so wouldn't listen anyway, beg on her knees to not take Edward away from her, to tell him that she loved him. Other things included slapping him, shooting him, or just kneeing him in the groin. She also toyed with the idea of getting Emmett to rough him up….

Instead, she simply said, "You have no proof"

Charlie stood still in shock as he realised it was true. He needed evidence. "Well, I'll get some then."

Bella gave Charlie one last hateful look, and sprinted up the stairs to her bedroom. Charlie started to pace up and down the room, thinking about how he could get proof. Meanwhile, Bella collapsed onto the floor of her bedroom, sobbing.

This was the last thing she wanted, not only was what Charlie knew dangerous for Edward and his family, but it was dangerous for Charlie. Surely the Volturi would kill him now.

She sobbed harder.

She heard her window slide quietly open and then Edward's cold arms were around her. He carried her to her bed, laid her down, and snuggled up beside her. He stroked her back, soothing her.

"Shh… It's all right. I'm going to talk to Carlisle. It will all be fine."

Bella's sobs quietened and she mumbled, "I suppose Carlisle could persuade him differently. I trust all of you to protect Charlie."

"We will Bella, I promise" Edward continued to soothe her.

Meanwhile, Charlie had stopped pacing and had decided there was sure to be incriminating evidence about the Cullen's vampireness in Bella's room. He headed up the stairs.

Edward was so distracted by Bella's distress that he didn't hear Charlie approaching.

Just as Charlie swung the door open, about to demand the right to rifle through Bella's stuff, Edward leant in to give Bella a comforting kiss just below her jaw, right on Bella's jugular.

The timing couldn't have been worse.

"NOOOOOO!" Screamed Charlie, lunging towards Edward. "GET AWAY FROM HER!"

Edward immediately sat up in shock to see Charlie bulldozing his way towards him. He was still sitting in Bella's bed, one arm wrapped around her. As Charlie came within inches, he stuck out his other arm, stopping Charlie dead in his tracks.

Charlie struggled to move as Edward's hand was placed firmly on his shoulder, preventing him from moving a millimetre towards Edward and Bella.

"Charlie, calm down." Said Edward. However, Charlie showed no sign of doing so. Edward rolled his eyes. "I was just kissing her, get a grip."

It then occurred to Edward that him kissing Bella was not much lower down Charlie's list of 'top things I would hate Edward to do to Bella', than sucking her blood.

"KISSING HER! KISSING HER?!!! GET OUT! GET AWAY FROM HER! HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE ANYWAY! GET YOUR HAND OFF ME YOU DISGUSTING BLOOD SUCKER!"

Edward ignored him. He turned to Bella, still holding Charlie at an arm's length. He kissed Bella on the cheek and muttered, "I'll see you tomorrow"

As Edward had been doing this Charlie had been swearing and when he promised to see Bella again he yelled, "OH NO YOU WON'T!"

Edward stood up from the bed, towering over Charlie. His eyes were pitch black and his face murderous. Charlie's bravado was rapidly disappearing.

"Yes, Charlie, I will see Bella tomorrow. I love her and she loves me. End of story." Edward picked Charlie up and help him against the wall, a foot off the ground. "And if you even think about yelling at Bella and upsetting her even more, I _will _know. And I _will_ stop you. Understand?"

By now Charlie was terrified. He nodded.

"Good" Muttered Edward, dropping Charlie, and then in under a second, he disappeared out the window.

Charlie slowly stood up, eyes wide in terror. He turned to Bella. She rolled her eyes.

"Geez dad, He was only trying to scare you. He would never hurt you. You deserved it anyway, after all, you did shoot him!"

Bella turned over to face the wall, over come with tiredness from a long and stressful day. She knew Charlie would try and say something but she put her pillow over her head, indicating the end of any conversation.

Charlie sighed, disappointed he couldn't continue to shout at his daughter about her vampire boyfriend.

'_I can't believe this is happening to me.'_ Charlie thought. He went through to his bed room, utterly demoralised. It was only as he sat in his dark bedroom that the fear truly kicked in. Edward was incredibly fast and strong. He could jump into and out of the house as he pleased. Charlie couldn't stop him. Not only was he unstoppable, but to Charlie he was now truly scary.

Before he knew what Edward was he had felt uncomfortable around him but had dismissed it. Little had he known… As Edward had demonstrated a few minutes before hand, Charlie was no match for him. Edward had restrained him with one hand. Charlie shuddered.

As fear threatened to overcome him, Charlie shook himself.

'_I will not be afraid! I am a police officer! I will take action!'_

In the forest outside, Edward stood watching the house. He was doing this for the normal reason; to watch out for Bella, but also for a new one; to make sure Charlie told nobody about his secret. Edward listened to Charlie's fearful and demoralised thoughts and felt slightly guilty. He hadn't meant to scare him. As much as Charlie annoyed Edward with his angry ravings, over eating and bumbling manner, Edward did worry about him and looked out for him.

Edward started to feel a bond grow between him and Charlie.

'_Maybe' - _he thought _'maybe I could explain everything to him. Maybe he would understand. Yes, I'm sure he would. He would keep our secret and I could get to know him. We could even be friends.'_

However, Edward's new attitude to Charlie would soon change. Edward saw what he was carrying.

'_I thought this night couldn't get any worse. I was wrong.' _thought Edward.

As Edward stood scowling in the woods. Charlie nailed the wooden cross to the door and then proceeded to sprinkle holy water around the threshold. God only knows where he got the holy water.

As he did this he muttered under his breath, "Stupid Edward! Thinks he can scare me! Well wait until he sees this! I will drive a stake right through his heart! Ha ha!

Edward's thoughts were bleak. _'I hate my life.'_


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4.**

**Okay here's chapter 4! Sorry it took so long but i was on a geography field trip.**

**You should appreciate this chapter as i am inside on a very sunny day! It is like 24 degrees Celsius here in Edinburgh which is VERY HOT! So I'm going to go outside now and sun bathe. Or rather, I will lie in the sun and get sun burnt.**

**As always, none of the characters belong to me ******

As the dull light of Forks began to stream into her window the next morning, Bella woke up. She rolled over, stretched, and was surprised at how tense her muscles were.

'_hmmm... I must have been really stressed yesterday, but I can't remember why...'_

She got dressed into her normal ugly clothes and stumbled her way downstairs. Charlie had already left for work.

Bella had the feeling she was missing something big, but she couldn't think what.

She sat down, and poured herself from cereal after moving away the garlic cloves that were scattered across the table.

'_That's strange. I didn't cook anything using garlic yesterday...'_

Confused, Bella grabbed her bag and headed for the door after hearing the beep of Edward's beloved Volvo from outside.

She went out the door and turned to lock up, only to find a large wooden cross nailed to the door.

'_Oh shit....'_

Bella remembered now. Charlie finding out. Charlie shooting Edward and throwing garlic at him. Charlie trying to attack Edward when he thought he was sucking her blood. Edward threatening Charlie.

'_Oh. My. God.'_

And now, to top it all off, Charlie had nailed a cross to the door. She stumbled backwards away from the door, shocked. She heard the tinkle of glass. She glanced down and spotted a small glass bottle.

She picked it up. On it it said, '_Holy Water. Now only $1 for a litre!'_

Bella dropped it and sat down on the front step, putting her head in her hands.

Edward got out of his car and hurried over. He put an arm around her and started soothing her.

"Don't mind him Bella; we'll sort this all out."

"But Edward, He knows! This is so dangerous, for us, for your family, and for him!"

"I know love, I know, but I think we should just concentrate on school for just now and we'll deal with all of this later on. Ok?"

Bella nodded.

Edward pulled her up and they walked over to the Volvo, Bella only tripping half a dozen times.

The drive to school was taken up by Bella shouting at Edward for driving at 150mph.

They pulled into the parking lot, Edward putting on his ray bans and pimping into school, only to remember he had forgotten Bella and pimp back to the car to get her.

Bella rolled her eyes.

They finally made their way into school and they were surprised, along with the rest of the school, when an emergency assembly was called....

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

_A little while earlier....._

Charlie had awoken after only a few hours sleep as he had spent most of the night spraying holy water around the neighbourhood. Edward had not returned during the night, as far as he could tell, as he had checked Bella's room every half an hour.

He checked Bella was still sleeping. And was sleeping _alone._

He then headed downstairs and after grabbing some coffee, sat down in front of his ancient computer.

Bella had said he needed proof and she was right. He was going to get some, he just wasn't completely sure how.

After waiting a few millennia for the internet to load, Charlie typed into Google,

'How to prove someone is a vampire'

Millions of results popped up, but Charlie clicked on the first, a very promising looking website called,

.com

After browsing it for a while, Charlie came across some helpful information.

_Vampire Attributes That You must Confirm before Voicing Your Suspicions._

Obviously Charlie already knew he was right, but he needed to prove every one of Edward's vampire attributes before people would believe him.

_They never eat_

_They are very pale_

_They are very cold_

_They had no bodily fluids_

_They are highly flammable_

_They drink blood_

_They are inhumanly fast and strong_

_They don't go out in direct sunlight_

_They are immortal and beautiful_

Charlie began to think how he could prove each of these things.

Firstly, they never eat.

'_Well, thought Charlie, everyone at Forks High and around the town will know that for themselves. They get invited to neighbourhood dinners, and never eat. According to that Mike Newton boy, they never eat at school.'_

Charlie grinned. He had proven the first point.

On to the next. They are very pale.

'_Well, I don't have to do much to prove this either. Everyone can see that they're pale. If I held up a paint colour palette next to them, they would be paler than the palest white! Haha!'_

Charlie had an internal laughing fit at his own rubbish joke.

Now the next point. They are very cold.

'_hmm... This one is harder, although people could touch them and feel how cold they are, the Cullens shy away from people... I need to record their temperature somehow...'_

As Charlie pondered how he could do this, a pop – up appeared on the screen.

**Are you worried about SWINE FLU?**

**If you are, buy these great masks for only $10!**

**It's first come, first served. It's every man or woman for themselves!**

As he read this, something very rare happened. Charlie actually had a good idea.

He grinned, grabbed his jacket, and jumped into his cruiser. A few minutes later, he was at the Police Station.

His two colleagues looked up when he entered and greeted him. They were still watching him closely, convinced he was about to have another episode and try to convince them the Cullens were gypsies. Again.

But, Charlie needed their trust, and so behaved normally.

"Right, I need one of you to pop over to the hospital and get a couple of hundred thermometers from Dr Cullen."

The other Police officers looked at each other, raising their eyebrows.

Gerald said, "If you don't mind me asking Charlie ...Why?"

The other officer, Joe, nodded in agreement.

Charlie was prepared. For once, he had thought something through.

"Because cases of Swine Flu are increasing. Symptoms include a raised temperature, so I think we should test all the Forks High School students just in case. It's the most likely place for the infection to spread."

This was a valid idea, but the police Officers were lazy. They were just about to start on their tenth doughnut of the day.

"But Charlie! My leg hurts!" Gerald whined, emphasising this excuse by stumbling around the room, knocking into the rotting corpse of the moose that had wandered into the station a few days ago and died. None of them could be bothered to clean it up.

Charlie sighed and turned to Joe. Joe was even more stupid and so couldn't think of an excuse fast enough.

"Okay then Joe, go get the thermometers."

He opened his mouth to complain but Charlie shouted,

"THINK OF THE CHILDREN, JOE! DO YOU WANT THEM TO DIE! GET ME SOME DAMN THERMOMETERS, AND BE QUICK!"

Joe raced out of the Police station and soon retuned carrying several boxes overflowing with thermometers.

Charlie grabbed the boxes, put them in the boot of his car and sped off towards the high school.

'_Just you wait Edward, just you wait...'_

_XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX_

Meanwhile, at Forks High School,

All of the students traipsed into the assembly hall and took their seats. Bella sat next to Edward, with the rest of the Cullens on her other side. As Edward listened in to the thoughts behind the stage, he groaned.

"What is it?" Bella asked, jumping up and clutching at Edward's arm. She assumed everything, and everyone, was out to get her. She was right.

Edward assured her it wasn't one of the many vampires or covens trying to kill her, and that she would see who it was in a minute.

Sure enough, the curtains opened to reveal Charlie and several cardboard boxes.

"Oh no." Whispered Bella.

"Good morning everyone. As I'm sure you all know, cases of the Swine Flu virus are increasing. Therefore, all of you will be undergoing MANDATORY health checks" - Charlie glared at the Cullens when he said this.

"You will all return to your home rooms where you will be CLOSELY SUPERVISED by your teachers. You will all put a thermometer in your mouth," Charlie pulled one out of the box and showed it to the audience of students,

"and leave it in for one minute. You will then show it to your teacher who will record the temperature. There will be NO complaining! This is for you own benefit!" While he said this, Charlie looked directly at Bella.

Charlie gave the Cullens one last dirty look and stalked off stage.

The Cullens were confused and turned to Edward.

"Edward, why is Charlie doing this, a raised temperature isn't a symptom of swine flu." Asked Alice.

**(By the way I know next to nothing about Swine Flu, I'm just making it up, so please just bear with me!)**

Edward looked sheepish.

"Well...eh...he....umm..." The Cullens were shocked, Edward was NEVER at a loss for words, and he NEVER stammered.

"Spit it out Eddie" said Emmett.

"Well, he...uh..._might have discovered what we are and is trying to gain evidence to back up his theory so he can expose our family and our entire race?"_

Edward said this at lightning speed, preparing himself for their reaction.

"What?!" The Cullens all demanded in unison.

Half the student body turned to stare. Family Drama. It was better than Gossip Girl.

They all lowered their voices to a hiss.

"You idiot! How could you let this happen?!" Accused Rosalie.

"I didn't even see this coming! I am losing my powers, NO!" Wailed Alice quietly

"I sense I am very angry with you right now, Edward." Said Jasper

"Ha ha ha! Waaaaaay! Dad's going to KILL you! Well, technically he already did...Dad's going to kick your ass!"

As Edward apologised to his siblings and punched Emmett in the face, Bella sat worrying about how they could trick Charlie.

The assembly was dismissed and they all returned to their home rooms. Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper's form teacher had caught a rare flesh eating disease. (Emmett still refused to admit it was him who had transferred the bacteria from that crate from South America to his food.) So, they were put into Edward, Bella and Alice's class. They sat down and the teacher handed out thermometers.

The Cullens stared at theirs in horror. They couldn't put them in their mouths, it would show how cold they were. Too cold to be alive. Too cold to be human.

However Bella popped hers into her mouth. The Cullens all had the same idea at the same time and turned to Bella, smiling creepily. Bella leaned back.

"Distract the teacher." Edward hissed to Jasper.

Jasper immediately began sending waves of lust towards the teacher, who was beginning to look very flushed. When a male teacher leaned his head round the door to check everything was going smoothly, she threw herself at him.

Little did they know that Mr Gardner had fancied Miss White for years. The Cullens tried to distract themselves from the ever loudening noises coming from a nearby broom cupboard.

The Class laughed and then all happily stuck thermometers into their mouths.

The Cullens, who were no no longer being watched, shoved their thermometers into Bella's mouth.

"mmmhmmph...hhhmmphmph!" Complained Bella.

Edward liked this new Bella. It couldn't talk.

Bella gave up trying to talk around the 6 thermometers that were sticking out of her mouth and sat back in her chair, glaring at the Cullens. Whenever she tried to remove them, Emmett would just ram them back down her throat.

The rest of the class looked at Bella strangely, wondering why she had so many thermometers protruding from her mouth, but dismissed it. They were used to Bella and the Cullen's weird antics.

After a minute passed, the Cullens took their thermometer's from Bella's mouth and handed them to the replacement teacher who had just entered the room. Bella removed hers and did the same.

She opened her mouth to shout at them for abusing her with thermometers, " I can't believe you-"

She was cut off by Rosalie sticking the board rubber in her mouth. She couldn't deal with Bella's monotone voice. Bella continued to shout but it was muffled by the rubber and turned into nonsensical rubbish. Emmett didn't see much difference between this and how she normally spoke.

Bella eventually managed to remove the large bit of plastic from her mouth and walked out of class along with everyone else. As she and Edward walked towards biology, Edward laughing and Bella ignoring him, they spotted Charlie. He was surrounded by a few teachers who were giving him the results from the thermometers of the pupils in their class.

He was speaking loudly so even Bella could hear him.

"Hmmm... Miss White's class..." His eyes scanned the class list and lit up when he saw Bella and the Cullen's names.

He grabbed the sheet, staring at it intently.

Bella Swan - 33 degrees Celsius

Mike Newton – 34 degrees Celsius

Jeremy Gold – 32 degrees Celsius

Edward Cullen – 33 degrees Celsius

Emmett Cullen – 33 degrees Celsius

Rosalie Cullen – 33 degrees Celsius

Jasper Cullen – 33 degrees Celsius

Alice Cullen - 33 degrees Celsius

Charlie stared at the list in horror. How had they done it? He swore and turned to the man who had handed him the list.

"Where is Miss White?!" Charlie demanded angrily.

"You really don't want to know!" Replied the teacher, grimacing. However, he saw the look on Charlie's face and answered,

"That broom cupboard over there."

Charlie marched to the door while all the students in the corridor, including Edward and Bella, stopped to watch.

He wrenched open the door and two naked people in a rather *cough* compromising *cough* position fell out.

Charlie's eyes widened while all the students burst out laughing. The two teachers grabbed their clothes and sprinted from the building.

Charlie turned to the laughing crowd of students. He spotted Edward and his eyes narrowed. The students noticed and followed Charlie's line of sight.

They all stopped laughing to watch the unfolding drama.

Edward stepped forward smirking, his arm around Bella's waist.

"So do I have Swine Flu then Charlie?" He asked, laughing.

Charlie instinctively tightened his hand around the holy water and garlic he had in his pocket.

'_No, now is not the time...' _thought Charlie to himself.

Edward laughed again, bringing him back to Charlie's attention.

"I don't know what you did, but I _will_ get you next time."

Charlie glared at Edward and Edward stepped closer, until he was towering over Charlie again. Charlie flinched and leaned away from Edward, his heart accelerating.

There was some quiet laughter among the crowd as they realised Charlie was scared of Edward. But then again_, they_, were a little scared of Edward.

"I would really advise against it. Now if you don't mind Charlie, Bella and I have to get to class." And with that, he took Bella's hand and dragged her down the corridor.

The students quickly dispersed, eager to retell the story of Edward scaring Charlie. Not only that, but he had called him _Charlie_ not Chief Swan as he should have. Jessica and Lauren would have a field day.

As Bella and Edward sat down in Biology, Charlie stormed out of the building, jumped in his car and headed home.

He had given up on proving their temperature. He would just have to go on to the next one.

'_So they have no bodily fluids, eh? Well, I have all night to plan...' _Charlie laughed manically as he drove off into the rainy forest.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hello everyone! Sorry it's been so long since I updated but I have been crazily busy!**

**It's the summer now so hopefully I will be updating more often but I will be going on holiday soon, so that means no updates! But until then I will continue writing!**

**Thanks for all the comments and reviews! It you have any ideas for the story, please leave a comment and I will consider them!**

**If you like this, please go onto my profile and check out some of my other stories, which are also crazy and out of control. I have Edward's Hate Letters, which are all the hate letters Edward wrote to people but never sent. I also have Around the World with 8 Cullens, about The Cullen's crazy round the world trip. And lastly, The Edward Diaries, which is just too random and crazy to describe!**

**Okay, so I don't own Twilight blah de blah.**

**Hope you enjoy this!**

**Chapter 5**

Charlie drove home through the green boring town of Forks until he reached his house. After realising that Bella and Edward were still at school and would be for the next few hours, Charlie decided on some renovations.

He boarded up Bella's window with iron bars and planks of wood. On the outside he spray painted, "Fuck off Edward."

Charlie grinned smugly to himself. Then, as added protection, he painted a crude sign that he hung on the front of the Swan's mailbox.

**NO SALESMEN,**

**GIRL GUIDES OR**

**VAMPIRES.**

Charlie admired his sign for a few moments, laughing manically to himself and then headed indoors. Mrs Dunn was standing across the street t by her mailbox. Upon seeing Charlie, the man who had knocked her unconscious and left her in the woods, she began to panic. After witnessing him clearly being deranged. She freaked out. Hyperventilating, she dragged her podgy self back into her house, looking for where she had left the Neighbourhood Watch's phone number....

Charlie was satisfied that he was full protected from Edward and his family. He was exhausted due to the lack of sleep he had the night before, and so went upstairs for a nap, where he dreamed sweet dreams of stabbing Edward through the heart with a stake, and Bella choosing Jacob as a suitable lover.

Rested and contented, Charlie awoke at around 6 pm and heaved himself downstairs, expecting that his daughter/slave had made his dinner for him.

The first thing he saw was Edward, in his kitchen.

Charlie's face turned red.

Then he saw Edward's arms wrapped around Bella's hips. No, not her waist, her hips!

Charlie's face turned purple.

Finally his slow brain recognised the image in front of him.

Edward and Bella were making out.

Charlie snapped.

Edward was by now well aware of Charlie's presence but decided he would simply ignore him. Bella was so preoccupied, a tank could have rolled through the room and she wouldn't have noticed.

Edward pulled Bella even closer to him, deepening the kiss.

Bella was in heaven.

Charlie strode forward, shouted, "GET OFF HER!"

And attempted to shove Edward away. All he ended up doing was bouncing off Edward, into a counter. Edward grinned. Bella was still oblivious.

Charlie couldn't believe his daughter. "BELLA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING! _STOP_! I AM RIGHT HERE! YOU'RE IN DANGER; HE JUST WANTS TO SUCK YOUR BLOOD!"

Bella, obsessed and horny as she was, still hadn't noticed. As Charlie realised that his current tactics weren't working, he went to the sink, filled a bucket of water, and threw it over the teenagers.

They both gasped and broke apart. Bella looked shocked. "Dad! I didn't notice you! How long have you been here!?

Charlie narrowed his eyes at both of them. "Long enough."

As this exchange took place, Edward had caught sight of himself in the reflective surface of one of the kitchen pans.

"Oh my god, my hair!" Edward reached up to where his normally quaffed hair had become a sopping wet pancake. "I need gel, NOW!"

Bella rolled her eyes and watched as Edward ran out the front door, desperate to be reunited with his hair gel.

Charlie sighed in satisfaction as Edward left. He turned towards Bella, eager to shout at her once again about the whole dating a vampire/let him into my house/ he just wants one thing – blood/I will expose them, thing. However, Bella couldn't deal with that again and had already disappeared upstairs.

After whispering goodnight to her beloved cactus, Bella rolled over and fell asleep, her room pitch black due to her barricaded window.

Charlie also went to bed, slept for a few hours, but then lay awake in bed, plotting.

He thought to himself,

"_hmm... so what do I have to prove next? Ah, yes, that they have no bodily fluids...._

_How will I prove that... I can either go the perverted way, or the medical way...._

_Not sure any perverted way would work though so I guess it will have to be medical...."_

_**(Recognise that Captainimpalerrox?)**_

Charlie's mind began to drift and he was soon remembering Emmett stopping his car from going over a cliff, and how ridiculously muscled he was.

"_I swear that boy must be on steroids..._

_THAT'S IT!"_

Charlie leapt out of bed, dressed hurriedly and jumped in his cruiser, heading for the hospital.

It was early morning but Charlie didn't care. He marched through the front doors of the small hospital, up to the front desk and demanded that the Doctor in charge come to see him at once.

Now, Charlie wasn't an overly bright man, and more than a little mad. Therefore, he was shocked when Dr Carlisle Cullen strode towards him down the corridor.

"Yes. How may I help you Charlie?" It was undetectable to Charlie, but Carlisle was nervous. Charlie knew, and could at any time expose the Cullens.

"_oh shit...._" thought Charlie, only remembering _now_ that Carlisle was the head doctor.

"Well...I need the hospitals help in conducting some tests at the High School." Said Charlie.

Carlisle's eyes narrowed suspiciously. Edward had told him all about Charlie's plans to gain evidence. "What kind of tests Chief?"

"Urine tests." Replied Charlie icily.

"And why would you be needing those?"

Charlie for once, had a decent answer. "I am worried about the use of steroids among the population of the school."

Carlisle looked dubious. "Charlie, Forks is so wet, the only sport possible is swimming, and steroids are generally not used for that. Anyway, as a doctor I must say I do not think any of the students take steroids."

"Well, doctor, i don't give a shit about what you say." Carlisle was shocked at Charlie not even trying to seem polite.

"Goddamn it you filthy bloodsucker I am conducting these tests!" Charlie hissed at Carlisle.

At that moment a group of nursing students rounded the corner. Charlie had another idea. It was a good day for Charlie Swan.

"Well Doctor!" Charlie talked loudly so the nurses could over hear. "If you are unwilling to help me with these tests, it proves you are NEGLIGENT to THOSE IN YOUR CARE!"

The nurses tutted at Carlisle.

Caring and compassionate as he was, Carlisle was pissed off.

"Fine! Some of the nurse will help you!" Carlisle lowered his voice into a menacing snarl, "but I swear to god Charlie, try anything, _anything _ to expose my family, and there will be _dire_ consequences."

Charlie was utterly terrified by Carlisle but tried to cover it by eviling Carlisle and walking from the hospital, two nurse following carrying all the equipment needed for urine tests. This was slightly ruined by the fact his knees were shaking so hard he could barely walk.

He drove once again to the school, trying not to hyperventilate after Carlisle's threats.

Meanwhile, Edward and Bella were going about their normal business. Bella was staring at Edward, thinking crude and unmentionable thoughts. Edward was staring at Bella, thinking about how good she would taste. Everyone else in the vicinity were generally sickened by what they believed were lovey dovey thoughts.

During Biology, Edward was saved from Bella's wandering hands under the table, when yet another emergency assembly was called. The Cullens inwardly groaned.

Once they were all seated in the hall, the feeling of happiness at missing class was almost tangible amongst the students.

The curtains opened once again to reveal Charlie, several cardboard boxes, and now two nurses.

Under his breath, Tyler muttered, "It's like all my sexual fantasies are coming true at once!"

The Cullen's eyes widened, and if they could have been sick, they would have.

Charlie stepped forward.

"Hello again everyone, I'm back."

"Duh" muttered someone in the audience.

"I would just like to let you know, that none of you have Swine flu!"

Everyone cheered.

"Apart from Tyler."

Everyone around Tyler instantly began to shuffle their chairs further away from him.

Tyler muttered, "This is so creepy! _All _my sexual fantasies together! Yes!"

Somehow, Jasper managed to turn a little green at this statement.

Tyler was marched from the room by two police man and a distant gunshot was heard.

"Okay, problem solved." Said Charlie. The school population sighed in relief as they were no longer in danger of Swine Flu, or Tyler's bad driving.

"Okay, so I have another reason for coming here today." Said Charlie.

"I have heard allegations and reports that some members of Forks High School are using steroids to enhance their athletic performance."

Mike Newton sunk lower in his seat, looking guilty.

"Therefore, all of you will have to undergo mandatory urine tests to discover if these drugs are being taken."

The students looked on in horror, muttering '_ew!'_

"You will all remain in this hall until lunch time. Throughout the morning everyone will have to drink at least 1 litre of water. After lunch you will be called for in groups to the toilets where you will produce your sample that will be handed to one of the nurses here."

Charlie gave the students one last look, said, "Always use a condom kids!", and left.

The school body immediately began complaining about the gross urine tests and Mike was desperately looking for somewhere to hide. However there were two groups of people that were more concerned than everyone else put together.

The first was the Cullens, who, as vampires, did not pass urine. They sat in a circle, trying to work out a way to trick the system. After a brief scuffle where Edward punched Emmett in the face due to his stupid comment of, "Couldn't we just put yellow food die in water?" they continued to think up ideas.

The other group was in fact, a person. That person was a girl, named Lauren Mallory.

Her poor blonde bimbo brain was breaking down with worry.

"_ohmigod ohmidgod ohmidogohmigodgomdoigmdoimgn,,mdgdonggjg! What am I going to do? I'm sure the urine test will show it! Everyone will know! They'll tell my parents! Where's Tyler? He should be helping me! Oh god, they just shot him! What if I have swine flu?! Ohmu god ohmigod ohmigod!"_

Mean while, the Cullens still had no plan. They had decided they couldn't simply leave as that would cause suspicion. They needed urine. But where from?

As they sat in silence, thinking, they all had the same thought at the same moment.

They all turned towards Bella, grinning evilly.

"What?" Asked Bella, scared by their expressions.

"Bella love," said Edward, "Could we ask you for a favour?"

They explained their plan to Bella. She immediately refused. They didn't listen. Edward threatened to not kiss her for at least a month. Bella agreed.

So, that morning the entire school body sat in the hall, slugging down water bottles that had been passed out. Whenever a teacher wasn't watching the Cullens would shove their water down Bella's throat, ignoring her spluttering, chocking and general drowning.

By lunch time everyone was bursting for the toilet, apart from the Cullens of course. Bella sat on the floor, bloated with water, hating the Cullens with every bone in her water saturated body.

Gradually groups of ten or so were taken down the corridor to the bathrooms, where a nurse would stand outside the door, waiting for samples.

Half an hour later a teacher stood up and read out the list of the next group.

"Emmett Cullen

Rosalie Cullen

Jasper Cullen

Edward Cullen

Alice Cullen

Bella Swan

Lauren Mallory

Tyler Crowley" - The teacher stopped, muttered, '_now deceased'_ and put a line through Tyler's name.

"Mike Newton

Jessica Stanley."

They all stood up, The Cullens dragging Bella, and headed towards the door.

They were marched along the corridor to the large door that said, TOILETS.

The Nurses waited outside while they all walked in, and turned either left or right, depending on their sex.

Jessica immediately rushed to a stall. Eager to relieve her bladder. A minute later she emerged, and left with her sample. Mike Newton did the same in the boys bathroom, handing his sample to the nurse, making a silent prayer they wouldn't discover his steroid use.

As Lauren hid in the stall, plotting, Alice and Rosalie shoved Bella into another.

Eons later, Bella finally emerged from the stall. Carrying a container of pee.

Alice and Rosalie were momentarily distracted by admiring themselves in the mirror, primping themselves to look good for their boyfriends.

While they were doing that Bella had set down her container and gone to wash her hands.

Lauren emerged from the stall holding her container and saw all three of them with their backs turned, a full container sitting unguarded. Smiling vindictively, she quickly grabbed Bella's container, leaving hers in its place. Grinning, she left the bathroom and handed in her sample.

Alice eventually turned around, spotted the container she thought to be Bella's and in seconds had disappeared through the small window. She then squeezed in through another window into the guy's bathroom. Edward, Jasper and Emmett were waiting. Alice carefully poured some of the urine into each of their containers. Disgusted, Alice returned to the girls where she did hers and Rosalie's, leaving the boys grimacing at the foul substance in their hands.

"God, I so do not miss being human." Said Emmett.

Edward and Jasper nodded in agreement.

Wrinkling her nose, Alice returned the now almost empty container to Bella, and they all walked out of the bathroom. The Cullens and Bella, satisfied they had tricked Charlie, handed in their containers.

The entire school slowly filed out of the hall, into their crappy cars, and drove back to their dull homes.


	6. Chapter 6

**I don't own Twilight etc etc.**

**As I have said before, please check out some of my other stories and please review!**

**Thanks!**

**Here's the next chapter, enjoy!**

**Chapter 6**

After the excitement of Algebra homework, Bella had nothing left to do. Just as she was preparing Charlie's dinner, Edward arrived.

They chatted while Bella cooked, happy to finally have a moment to themselves, a moment of calm....

Charlie burst in the door, notably less graceful than Edward.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE YOU FILTHY BLOOD SUCKING LEECH?!"

Bella was becoming increasing disturbed by the similarities between Charlie and Jacob. _"Just as long as Charlie doesn't imprint on my future mutant baby...." thought_ Bella. _"whoa! Where the hell did that come from?"_

If she had any idea...

Anyway, back to the story.

While Bella was preoccupied, Edward replied to Charlie.

"Well, I am talking to my _girlfriend _and _true love_, Bella. Is there a problem here?"

Charlie looked on in shock. Surely he had made it clear.

"you. Are. A. Vampire."

Edward feigned shock.

"What?! No one told me!.....OF COURSE I KNOW YOU IMBECILE!"

Charlie took a step back.

"OK, OK, NO NEED TO GET ALL SARCASTIC! WHAT I MEANT TO SAY IS, GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, DON'T COME BACK, STAY AWAY FROM BELLA AND LASTLY, GO DIE IN A HOLE, OR WHATEVER IT IS YOU DO!!!!!!!!"

Edward rolled his eyes. "No."

Charlie's brain was not particularly fast, "GOOD! Now you see that I'm right-wait? .... what?

"I said, no."

Charlie's face began to turn purple once again. Edward was not in the mood to deal with Charlie.

"Charlie. I love Bella. She loves me. I am staying here as I want to be here. I am a thousand times stronger, faster and not to mention more intelligent than you. You can order me all you like. I'm not listening."

Charlie opened his mouth to reply, realised Edward was right, and slumped down onto the sofa, scowling like a child.

"_Stupid vampire thinks he can boss me around and wait until I'm not looking to drain my daughter of blood-"_

Charlie's mutterings were cut off by Edward, "CHARLIE! I AM NOT DRINKING HER BLOOD! I KILL ANIMALS. _ANIMALS!"_

Charlie scowled harder.

Edward turned back to Bella and they continued to chat happily as Bella prepared dinner, both of them ignoring Bella's sulking father.

Bella served dinner and she continued to ignore Charlie, talking to Edward.

Bella, feeling rude, said, "Are you sure you don't want anything?"

Edward rolled his eyes, grinning, "Really Bella, I don't think you have anything I could want."

"_How about some arsenic?" _Muttered Charlie.

He was ignored.

As dinner progressed Charlie decided that although he couldn't physically make Edward leave, he could irritate the hell out of him.

Charlie remembered that Edward could read minds. He had an idea, and luckily Edward was too preoccupied with Bella to hear it.

While the two lovebirds chatted away, Charlie started reminiscing.

About the boyfriend Bella had never had.

"_hmm... I wonder what ever happened to Bella's old boyfriend, Tedward?"_

Edward was drawn out of his and Bella's lovey dovey bubble when he heard the words, "Bella's old boyfriend." He listened in carefully.

"_Now there was a boy I was happy about Bella dating!"_

Charlie pictured a boy much like Edward, pale, brown messy hair. Except this boy was taller, more muscular, and if possible, better looking.

For the first time in his vampire life, Edward started to feel self-conscious.

"_And he was so talented as well! He played piano at Carnegie Hall for god's sake! And a perfect 4.0, student body president! And all that charity work he did! Everyone ADORED Tedward!"_

Edward was for once, feeling inadequate.

Charlie went in for the kill.

"_Oh, and Bella loved him SO much! I think she loved him far more than she loves Edward, that much is obvious! Edward's just the rebound for her. She doesn't look at him the way she looked at Tedward. I still remember how passionately in love they were! That one time I came back from work early, and they were making love on the sofa! I didn't even mind! They were meant to be together!"_

Charlie then visualised the imaginary Tedward and Bella wrapped up together under a blanket on the sofa, obviously *cough* busy *cough*.

Edward couldn't take any more. _"NO! NOT MY PURE BELLA! SHE CAN'T HAVE DONE THAT! AND SHE TOLD ME SHE HAD NEVER LOVED ANOTHER!" he thought, heartbroken._

Edward's face fell, contorting into one of pain and hurt. "What's wrong?" Asked Bella, concerned, leaning forward to touch his cheek.

"IS THAT HOW YOU USED TO TOUCH TEDWARD?!" Shouted Edward.

Bella was shocked and Charlie just sat there, watching and grinning.

"What are you talking about Edward, who's Tedward?"

"YOUR PAST LOVER!"

"What?! I don't know anyone called Tedward!"

"Don't lie to me Bella! I know he was better at piano than me! And that you had sex with him, you HUSSY!"

For once, Bella was being the level headed one of the two. "Edward, where did you find out about this supposed boyfriend?"

"It doesn't matter!" Shouted Edward, but his quick glance at Charlie gave him away.

"Edward! For pity's sake! Charlie's just making it up to annoy you!"

"Bella I can't believe you would ever!....wait, what?"

"Charlie. Is. Making. Stuff. Up. To. Irritate. You."

"So you never had a boyfriend called Tedward who was like me, only slightly better, and you didn't have sexual intercourse with him?" Edward asked Bella, to clarify.

"No."

Edward sighed in relief and then turned to Charlie. His face was murderous. The smug grin fell off Charlie's face and his heart accelerated in fear.

"Why the hell would you do something like that?" Edward spoke quietly, yet it was still terrifying. He advanced towards Charlie.

"Well, ... you weren't listening to me! You need to leave! This is my house, you obey my orders! I needed to teach you a lesson! To show you Bella deserves better!"

Edward reached Charlie, grabbed him by his collar and lifted his rather substantial body into the air with one arm. His chubby legs dangled two feet off the ground.

"Edward!" Shouted Bella. "Put him down!"

"Of course my love." Edward replied.

He dropped Charlie who crumpled to a heap on the floor.

Just as Edward was about to tell Charlie that he would stay, as he would be wherever Bella would, his phone rang.

The song "Barbie Girl" by Aqua echoed from his small phone. Bella and Charlie's eyes widened in horror. Edward angrily flipped the phone open.

"Emmett! Stop changing my ringtone from, 'All By Myself' to 'Barbie Girl'!"

Bella snorted.

"Ok, fine, I will be there in five minutes."

Edward shut the phone and turned to Bella. "I am very sorry love, but I have to go home. Esme's having a 'family bonding night'."

Bella nodded, understanding. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Edward kissed Bella on the cheek. Charlie flinched.

"I'll pick you up for school tomorrow as usual. Sleep well." In Bella's ear he whispered, _"I'll see you later tonight."_

With a grin and one last cold look at Charlie, Edward left.

Charlie and Bella finished their dinner in silence and then went their separate ways; Bella to her room, Charlie to the sitting room. Bella did her normal bedtime things and at 11p.m was joined by Edward, after he had quickly and easily ripped the wood and metal from the window.

Charlie sat brooding, and more than a little scared, in the living room. After watching baseball for a few hours, he headed up to bed and drifted off to sleep, looking forward to the next day when he would get the urine results. The Cullens wouldn't have given any. Then he would be one step closer to having the proof he needed to reveal the Cullens. Charlie drifted to sleep with a smile on his face.

Ten hours later, Bella and Edward were sitting in Biology when an announcement was made over the intercom. "Would Bella Swan, Rosalie Cullen, Jasper Cullen, Emmett Cullen...oh, all the Cullens! Please come to the Principal's office."

Edward and Bella looked at each other, confused, but gathered up their stuff regardless and headed towards the Principal's office.

Meanwhile, Charlie was at the Hospital, awaiting the results of the urine test. "Here we go Chief." Said a friendly nurse, handing him some papers.

Charlie grabbed them and scanned the list.

Against every name it said either PASS or FAIL depending on whether they had taken steroids and NO SAMPLE against those who had not given urine, such as Michelle Jenkins, who had been ill from school the day of the test.

Charlie eventually reached the group the Cullens were in.

Jessica Stanley – PASS

Bella Swan – PASS *

Mike Newton – FAIL

Lauren Mallory – PASS

Emmett Cullen – PASS *

Edward Cullen – PASS *

Alice Cullen – PASS *

Jasper Cullen – PASS *

Rosalie Cullen – PASS *

Charlie's eyes widened in shock. And not only at the fact that Mike Newton was on steroids.

"_How did they give a sample? HOW?!!!!" _Charlie raged to himself.

He paced up and down the hospital, trying to think of how they could have cheated. Charlie had thought up how the tests would be run. He could see no flaws. So obviously, there were many.

Eventually something in his brain clicked. He marched up to a nurse and thrust the paper in front of her face. "What do these stars mean?" He demanded.

"emm... I'm sorry Chief but that is personal information. It is only available for the patient's doctors and the Principle of the school."

Charlie growled in frustration as he realised that Bella's and the Cullen's doctor, was Carlisle. There was no way he was going to help Charlie prove his theory.

The beleaguered Police Chief sighed in defeat, returned to his cruiser, and drove to the bar.

Meanwhile, back at Forks High School, Bella and Edward had reached the Principal's office. Outside, they met up with the rest of the Cullens, who also looked confused.

Edward listened carefully to the thoughts inside the office but they seemed to currently be all about the next episode of Gossip Girl. The Principle was very obsessed and thought about it constantly, rather than her job.

They were called in and the Principle motioned for them to sit down. Normally she was a smiley woman, but at that moment she looked extremely awkward.

"Okay Cullens, Bella, you are probably wondering why I brought you here today." They all nodded.

"Well, you see, the urine test yesterday produced some rather interesting results for you six."

The six of them were still very confused.

The Principle paused, as if not sure how to go on.

"Well I suppose I must tell you. Afterwards I will leave so you can have some privacy...."

She looked at the six children, wishing she had never become a teacher.

"Well I suppose congratulations are in order. Jasper, Emmett, Edward, Rosalie, Alice, Bella.........

You're all pregnant."

The Principle then left the room quickly, desperate to escape.

A few seconds of silence followed.

Then a few more.

And another couple.

Eventually, Emmett jumped up and screamed,

"ROSALIE BABY, I'M PREGNANT! AREN'T YOU SO PROUD OF ME! IT'S WHAT YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED! I'M SO HAPPY!"

Emmett then started sobbing tearless, happy sobs and skipped about the room, rubbing his belly.

Rosalie, Jasper and Alice rolled their eyes.

A look of wonder overcame Edward's face.

He fell to his knees in front of Bella and grabbed her belly.

"Isn't this wonderful Bella?! We're both pregnant, yet we haven't had sexual intercourse! IT IS THE WORK OF THE LORD! MY LOVE, WE ARE BOTH PREGNANT WIT H A MESSIAH! YOURS CAN BE CALLED 'JESUS' AND MINE CALLED 'BESUS'!!!"

Bella was not exactly the brightest bulb, and so started jumping up and down in happiness with Edward, looking forward to the birth of Jesus and Besus.

Jasper, Alice and Rosalie sat in shock, staring at the imbeciles they call their other halves, friends and family.

Alice decided it was time to stop the madness.

"Will you three just SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN!"

Edward, Bella and Emmett slowly sat back down, confused by Alice's angry tone.

"None of you are pregnant."

Emmett's face fell into an almost comical face of misery and he walked over to Rosalie.

"I'm so sorry babe! I lost our baby!" He howled, falling to the ground, sobbing.

Rosalie patted him on the back, telling him it was OK.

Edward and Bella's faces also fell.

"Sorry guys" said Alice, "You're not pregnant with the Messiah and according to my visions, you never will be. Edward you can't have children. Full stop. Bella, if you want children, you have to actually have sex with someone, OK?"

They both nodded their heads forlornly.

"Alice, why do they think we're pregnant?" Asked Jasper.

"Well, I just worked it all out now. Lauren Mallory is pregnant you see with Tyler's child-"Alice was cut off by Emmett.

"OMG THAT WHOREY SLUT FACE!"

Everyone turned to glare at Emmett. "Sorry..." He murmured "I won't interrupt again."

Alice continued. "So, she was pregnant and knew that it would show up in the urine test. When Bella came out the bathroom she put her sample down so Lauren must have swapped it for hers. Then Bella gave some of Lauren's urine to each of us, making us 'pregnant'.

Emmett's eyes widened. "Is that how it works? Babe, we've been doing it all wrong!"

Rosalie punched him in the face. "Shut. Up."

There was silence for a minute or two while everyone digested this information.

"So" asked Jasper, "What are we going to do?"

Alice replied. "Well, we can't tell them Lauren switched the urine, because then they will want to know why we took Bella's. I say we get Carlisle to change the records and then get the school to check again – the records will be different."

The Cullens nodded in agreement. Alice whipped out her phone and relayed her instructions to their father. At the hospital, Carlisle changed the database so the Cullens and Bella were no longer 'pregnant'. He couldn't help but laugh at the turn of events.

A few minutes later the Principle returned and the Cullens all insisted the school check the hospital records. Sure enough, after a brief phone call, it was confirmed that neither the Cullens, or Bella, were pregnant.

The Principle just looked more stressed and muttered under her breath, "_I really need to watch some Gossip Girl! And get a new job, away from children!"_

They all returned to class; Edward, Bella and Emmett disappointed; and Alice Jasper and Rosalie irritated, but slightly amused.

The rest of the day passed without incident, apart from Jasper and Emmett approaching Lauren and asking,

"So, when's the baby due?"

The look on her face was priceless so Emmett whipped out a camera phone and took a photo of it. They walked off laughing, Lauren frozen in the middle of the hallway, shitting herself.

It was Friday, and so Bella returned home, looking forward to a weekend spent with Edward and the Cullens.

What she found there was her father, passed out drunk on the kitchen floor. After kicking him a few times, hearing him groan, and confirming he was alive; Bella plopped down on the sofa, and waited for Edward to arrive.

Eventually he did and they snuggled up on the sofa together, spending the night telling each other they were beautiful. Charlie continued to snore on the floor, oblivious.


	7. Chapter 7

**Okay, so here's the next chapter! It's kind of short and a bit of a filler I'm afraid but I will have the next chapter up in under 24 hours – promise!**

**BUT.....I have one condition. I would really like at least 5 reviews before I upload another chapter!**

**I am sort of running out of ideas at the moment. I know what I'm doing for the next chapter but after that I'm stuck. If you have any ideas for how Charlie can try to prove that the Cullens are vampires, please review and tell me!**

**Okay, so I don't own Twilight etc etc...**

**Chapter 7**

The next morning Charlie awoke to be greeted by an agonising hangover and stiff muscles from sleeping on the floor all night. He groaned and heaved himself up. After dragging himself over to the medicine cupboard and swallowing some aspirin, his eyes finally surveyed the room.

His eyes fell upon the sofa, where Edward was sitting, arms wrapped around a sleeping Bella, smirking at Charlie.

"A little too much to drink last night Charlie?" Asked Edward, trying not to laugh.

Charlie, eloquent as ever, replied, "oh fuck off you leech. Go stalk someone else's daughter."

The smirk fell from Edward's face and after glaring at Charlie for a few minutes he turned back towards Bella, cuddled up close to her and buried his face in her hair, sighing.

Charlie looked on in anger at the small distance between Edward's teeth and Bella's neck but he now knew there was nothing he could _physically_ do to stop Edward. He made himself breakfast, all the while watching Edward and Bella.

As he watched them curled up together, Charlie couldn't help but feel that he had been too quick to judge Edward.

'_Maybe I was wrong. He does seem to care about her and he hasn't ever hurt her.... even though he is a monster, maybe he isn't that bad...'_

Charlie's thoughts were interrupted by Edward's phone ringing. He sat up and reached into his pocket. He silenced it and returned it to his pocket.

Bella began to talk in her sleep. "Edward honey, come back to bed."

Charlie's vision turned red and any positive thoughts he had been having about Edward or his relationship with Bella, quickly disappeared.

'_Bed? BED?! I THOUGHT I HAD STOPPED HIM FROM SNEAKING INTO HER BEDROOM!'_

Edward simply smirked, enraging Charlie further. Charlie jumped up and hurried up the stairs as fast as he could. Unbeknown to Charlie a snail was also crawling up the stairs, and beat him.

Charlie raced into Bella's room only to find the wood and metal gone from her window. He returned downstairs and jumped into his cruiser, seriously damaging the suspension in the process. He drove for several minutes before beginning his normal plotting. He didn't want to risk Edward hearing his thoughts. As he drove around town he pulled the checklist from his pocket.

_They never eat -_** check**

_They are very pale _ **- check**

_They are very cold _** - unable to prove**

_They had no bodily fluids - _**unable to prove**

He surveyed what he had already proved and attempted to prove. Although his attempts to prove their coldness and lack of bodily fluids had failed, he still had five more things he could prove and use as evidence.

_They are highly flammable_

_They drink blood_

_They are inhumanly fast and strong_

_They don't go out in direct sunlight_

_They are immortal and beautiful_

'_hmmmm... highly flammable....' _

Charlie continued to circle Forks, plotting, until he had formulated a plan. On the way home he stopped at the police station. He headed to the surveillance cupboard and removed a small box. On the side it read POLICE ISSUE – PIN SIZED CAMERA

He arrived home to find Edward gone – to his relief – and Bella working on her homework.

While Bella was distracted by her algebra, Charlie snuck into Bella's room and stole her phone. Returning quickly to his own room, he copied Carlisle's phone number from Bella's phone onto a piece of paper. Just as he was about to shut the phone, it vibrated. Bella had a new text...from Edward.

Unable to resist, Charlie opened it.

_Sweetheart,_

_I have changed and was wondering if you wanted to go for a ride with me today. _Charlie's eyes widened as he was unaware Edward was simply referring to him giving Bella a piggy back.

_We can go to our meadow, where they is no one around to see or hear us for miles. _Horror flooded Charlie.

_It's been so long since you have ridden me! I miss seeing your face afterwards – exhilarated and a little sickened!_

Unable to read any more Charlie slammed the phone shut and returned it to Bella's room, trying not to be sick.

The thought of Bella having 'carnal relations' with Edward only strengthened Charlie's rage, madness, and determination to get rid of Edward.

Charlie strode downstairs, ignoring Bella's inquisitive glances and snatched up the phone. He quickly dialled Carlisle's number.

He answered quickly,

"Hello?"

"Carlisle, it's Charlie Swan here." At the other end of the phone, Carlisle's face changed into one of utter surprise, and the other Cullens, hearing Charlie on the phone, quickly gathered around their father.

Mean while, Bella forgot all about her homework, sat up and said, "Dad! What are you doing?" With good reason, she was suspicious. Charlie shushed her, continuing to put on a false show of kindness and politeness to Carlisle.

"Emm...How can I help you Charlie?" Carlisle decided that if Charlie could be polite, then so would he.

"Well, I am growing tired of the animosity between our two families. I may not approve of Edward as Bella's boyfriend, but surely it shouldn't stop our families from getting to know each other?"

"..I suppose not..." Said Carlisle, unsure.

"I think especially as you are Head Doctor and I am Police Chief, we should make an effort to get to know each other. I truly bear you no hatred Carlisle, and would appreciate it if you and your family came round to my house in an hour for a barbeque."

The Cullens, minus Carlisle, listened in disbelief to Charlie, knowing full well he was lying and simply wanted to expose them. They simply couldn't believe that Charlie, fully aware that they were vampires, were inviting them to a barbeque. Unless he was serving blood smoothies, a barbeque was of no interest to them.

However Carlisle; compassionate, gullible Carlisle; fell hook line and sinker for Charlie's lies.

"Of course Charlie! We would love to come! I think it would be great if my family got to know you a little better!"

"Okay, I will see you in an hour then Carlisle." A second before Charlie hung up, the Cullens heard Charlie's evil demonic laugh echoing down the phone.

Carlisle turned to his children and wife. "What a nice man!"

The Cullens stood in shocked silence.

Finally, Alice spoke up.

"Carlisle! You idiot! He doesn't want to get to know us at all! He wants to find evidence of our vampireness in order to expose us and separate Edward and Bella! And now we are going to a barbeque where we will have to eat gross human food. THANKS A FUCKING BUNCH FOR THAT!

The Cullens all nodded in agreement with Alice.

"Now now! I'm sure he has the best of intentions! Everyone get ready!"

Carlisle ran upstairs to go spruce up. Esme turned to her children,

"No one, and I mean _no one,_ is going to say or do anything that will give Charlie evidence to use against us. Understand?"

They all nodded once again.

"Okay, now go get ready for this torture."

The Cullens all wandered off, silently cursing Carlisle, not looking forward to dealing with an afternoon with Charlie.

Meanwhile, at the Swan household, Charlie was preparing for the barbeque.

By preparing I mean he was sitting on his fat ass while ordering Bella around. She set up a table in the garden; put new coal in the barbeque; laid out plates and cutlery; and slaved in the kitchen preparing the food.

She didn't even know why she did it, it's not like the Cullens would enjoy it. But Bella wanted to try and get on Charlie's good side, hoping that she would be able to sweet talk him into accepting Edward.

Once everything was ready, they both went to change. Bella put on her horrendously ugly khaki skirt – the only skirt she owned – and the blue shirt that Edward liked. Bella had no idea that Edward only liked the shirt because he could see through it, not because it was nice or suited her in any way.

Charlie put on some smart trousers, a shirt, a jacket and lastly; a tie. On his tie he fastened a small pin that said FORKS POLICE DEPARTMENT. However, this was not simply for decoration. Inside was hidden a tiny electric circuit, and the 'O' in Forks, had a tiny lens. Charlie began to laugh evilly again, descending the staircase.

A little while later Charlie and Bella stood on the doorstep, awaiting the Cullens. Charlie was smiling so fakely that Bella thought she was going to be sick.

After a few minutes of them standing awkwardly, Bella thinking about how much she hated Charlie, Charlie thinking about how much he hated Edward and the Cullens, two sports cars rolled down the street.

Charlie looked on in shock at the Aston Martin Vanquish and the yellow Porsche, mouth gaping.

'_Fucking vampires and their stupid money. Probably killed millionaires, drunk their blood, then stole their cars....'_

Inside the car, Edward rolled his eyes. The Cullens were used to his weird emo antics so ignored him.

The Cullens piled onto Charlie's lawn. They all rushed to greet Bella, pecking her on the cheeks and hugging her; Edward taking several glances at Bella's shirt. Meanwhile Charlie stood looking on, a hint of anger noticeable behind his fake smiley facade. Emmett, noticing Charlie standing alone, walked over.

"CHARLIE, MY MAN! HOW YA DOING!" He yelled, grabbing Charlie into a rib-crushing hug. He eventually let him down and Charlie bent over with his hands on his knees, trying to regain his breath. "Emm.. Hi Emmett."

Charlie was still intimidated by Emmett and his heart beat accelerated wildly. The Cullens sniggered under their breath.

"Now Charlie, if any cliffs go giving you trouble, you give me a call! Okay?"

Charlie nodded, still too scared to speak. "Right then, let's have a barbeque!"

Emmett slapped Charlie on the back, propelling him inside the house and face first into the sofa.

"Whatcha doing in there Charlie!? Come on!" Emmett picked Charlie up by the back of his shirt, carrying him through the house to the back garden. All the way Charlie struggled to breathe, waving his pudgy legs back and forth.

Emmett dumped Charlie on the grass and plopped down in one of the seats Bella had laid out.

The Cullens followed, laughing at Emmett's antics and Charlie's bewildered expression, and all sat down. It was going to be a long day for Charlie Swan.


	8. Chapter 8

**Hey everybody! Thanks for the reviews! However, more people added the story to their favourites than reviewed. If you like it – please review!**

**I would just like to say thanks to Sarah for her help with this chapter and the next.**

**I don't own Twilight blah de blah you know the drill.**

**Okay so here's the next chapter. It's kind of weird but I think it's good! Tell me what you think! I wrote this and the next chapter as one but it was really long so I decided to split it. I have the next chapter and will upload soon!**

**Chapter 8**

Charlie sat down in one of the chairs that surrounded the large table, looking at all the Cullens and Bella who were chatting happily to each other. Gradually they stopped their conversations and after a little while silence fell.

The Cullen children were trying desperately not to laugh out loud while Esme, Carlisle and Charlie simply felt very awkward.

Esme quickly ran through her mental list of topics that are acceptable to discuss with humans.

"So, Charlie, isn't it good we got a nice day today?"

Charlie raised an eyebrow and looked to the black clouds overhead.

"Well...At least it's not raining!" said Esme, desperate to maintain polite conversation.

"Yes, at least it's not raining." Charlie replied, starting to regret inviting the Cullens around.

He excused himself, stood up, and walked into the kitchen. He took out 9 glasses, pouring lemonade into each of them. Then, out of his pocket, he took out a small glass vial. He poured a little of the liquid into 7 of the glasses, leaving two as they were.

He dropped the vial on the counter, put the glasses on a tray, and went back outside.

He handed the seven drinks out to the Cullens, keeping the other two for Bella and himself.

The Cullens stared unhappily at their lemonade, dreading drinking it. Charlie, never looking away from the Cullens cheerily said, "Drink up everybody!" And tipped back his glass. Grimacing, the Cullens followed suit.

Another long silence fell. Esme kicked Emmett and Jasper under the table, urging them to make conversation.

Emmett decided it was his time to shine. For once.

"So, Charlie, where did you go to school?"

Charlie plastered another fake smile on his face. "Well, I attended Forks High School and I never went to university. What about you Emmett? Where have you been to school?"

Charlie expected Emmett to tell him about his old high school in Alaska so was surprised when Emmett said,

"Well, I have been to seventeen high schools, and quite a few universities. I went to Dartmouth for 4 years, Harvard twice, London University for 5 years, Columbia for 4 years and Yale for 5 years. I also did some apprenticeships at – "Emmett stopped when he realised his entire family were looking on in horror, urging him with their eyes to shut up.

Charlie's smile was now a vindictive grin.

Emmett tried, and failed, to cover up his mistake.

"Oh...uh!....emmm.... HAHAHA! GOD! I amuse myself sometimes! Of course I haven't been to all those schools! I mean that would be impossible or something! I mean, I'm only 18! To go to all those places I would have to be like, IMMORTAL, or some shit! HAHAHAHAH!!!"

The Cullens laughed nervously along, saying things like, "God, Emmett! You're SOOO funny! Always making stuff up! HAHHA haa ha ..ha...ha."

The laughter faded into silence and they all looked nervously at Charlie. He looked incredibly smug.

The Cullens all thought the same thing. _'shit...'_

They sat expecting Charlie to leap up and announce he knew what they were – again – but this time vampires rather than gypsies. However, he sat smiling at them.

The Cullens didn't know what to do. They were fully aware that Charlie knew what they were yet he was saying nothing after Emmett just exposed their immortality.

Charlie stood up. The Cullens gasped. This was it. Another huge declaration from Charlie about knowing what they were. Surely he hadn't gained any actual evidence. Or had he?

"I'm just going to get the plates. Excuse me."

As Charlie walked inside they sighed in relief and then turned on Emmett. They shouted at him in hushed whispers.

"What the hell are you doing, get a grip of yourself! You just gave away that we were immortal you imbecile!" Said Alice, raging. The Cullens continued to tell off Emmett until Charlie reappeared carrying plates.

Unbeknown to the Cullens, Charlie had gone inside, taken out his checklist, and written 'check' next to 'they are immortal'. Grinning, he returned outside.

After laying out the plates he sat back down and Jasper decided he would try and make conversation.

"So Charlie, what are you cooking for us today?" The Cullens shuddered.

"Well, we have sausages, burgers, kebabs, some salads and my favourite – spare ribs. What's your favourite barbeque food?" Charlie asked Jasper innocently.

Jasper became animated. "Well, I'm not really fond of any of those things. I don't eat food, you see. My favourite has to be mountain lion blood! It's really rich and it's always fun taking the lions down! If there are no mountain lions around I'll go for a bear. I mean, they're not as rich, you know, but they're filling and have enough blood to satiate – "Jasper cut off abruptly when he realised what he was saying. Esme put her head in her hands.

Quietly, Jasper murmured, _'shit! Sorry! I honestly don't know what came over me!'_

The Cullens all shook their heads. Once again they looked hesitantly to Charlie, expecting him to jump up and yell, "Yes! HAHAHAH! You just admitted it!" Or at least react in some way to Jasper explaining which animal's blood he preferred.

Charlie however, simply sat smiling at Jasper, pretending not to have heard a word he said.

"Right!" Charlie said. The Cullens flinched. "It's time for food! Just let me get organised before we fire up the barbeque!"

Charlie however, remained seated. Everyone was confused. Without warning Charlie yelled, "GIRL! ... I mean, BELLA! GO GET THE FOOD!"

Bella jumped up and disappeared inside, returning with all the food. She laid the salads and cutlery out on the table, placing the raw meat next to the barbeque.

Charlie turned to Jasper, Edward and Emmett. "Would you boys mind doing the barbeque? My back's a little sore."

Jasper, Edward and Emmett most definitely did _NOT_ want to go anywhere near the barbeque, considering the fact that they were highly flammable.

"What?!" Demanded Edward. "I'm not going anywhere near that thing, considering how flammable I am!"

Jasper tried to cover Edward's mistake. "You mean how _flabby _you are Edward! Your large belly would stop you from being able to reach over to the barbeque! Isn't that right!?"

"Um...YEAH! That's it! I'm too _FLABBY!_"

The Cullens laughed nervously once again while Charlie looked dubiously at Edward's flat stomach. "Well then _Edward," _Charlie said his name with disdain. "Jasper and Emmett can do the barbeque, can't you boys?"

Jasper and Emmett nodded unwillingly, suppressing the urge they had to complain that it was dangerous for them. They made their way slowly over to the barbeque.

They opened the hood up and looked into the barbeque, at the pile of coals.

"Shit, Jasper! What are we going to do?!" Hissed Emmett.

"I don't know?! Let's just light this! We have no other choice. We've given away way too much already!"

Emmett sighed in resignation and hesitantly picked up the lighter.

The remaining Cullens and Bella sat up straighter in their seats.

Emmett moved the lighter down to the coals.

The observers gasped. Charlie just carried on smiling, ensuring his tie pin was facing towards Emmett and Jasper at all time.

Emmett flicked open the lighter, jumping a little.

Esme flinched.

He moved the lighter down to the coals at arms length, leaning away from the barbeque.

Bella bit her nails.

Edward started to sob.

Rosalie somehow feinted.

The flame was almost at the coals.

Alice let out a small yelp.

The flames touched the coals and a large fireball exploded from the barbeque and would have engulfed both Jasper and Emmett if they hadn't jumped back at lightning speed. The Cullens and Bella screamed in fear for them, jumping to their feet.

They spotted Jasper and Emmett 10 feet away from the barbeque, arms tightly wrapped around each other, screaming. When they turned and realised they were hugging each other in a very girly fashion, they screamed even louder and jumped apart, trying to regain their masculinity.

"Sorry boys, I think I may have put a little too much lighter fluid on the barbeque – my bad!"

Everyone turned to glare at Charlie, including Jasper and Emmett who had thankfully stopped screaming.

Just as everyone was about to yell at Charlie, a small ember that had landed in Jasper's hair caught fire, causing flames to engulf a small portion of Jasper's head.

He screamed so loud, and so high, that several glasses smashed. To Charlie and Bella it even seemed like he stopped screaming for a few seconds but he had simply gone into such a high pitch that humans could no longer hear him. Dogs around Forks were deafened.

Jasper, realising that he was in mortal peril, began to jump from foot to foot and run around the garden, screaming.

The Cullens all started screaming as well, unsure as to what to do. None of them wanted to risk catching fire themselves.

Jasper continued to run, screaming and burning, wondering why no one was helping him.

Rosalie suddenly awoke. She was not happy. Jasper had woken her up from the only unconsciousness she had experienced in decades. Pissed, she stood up and grabbed her half empty glass of lemonade. As Jasper completed his tenth lap of the garden, screaming like a banshee, Rosalie emptied the contents of her glass onto his head, extinguishing the fire.

Jasper, oblivious, continued running and screaming until Rosalie yelled, "SHUT UP! YOU'RE NOT EVEN ON FIRE YOU RETARD!"

Jasper began to slow and stopped screaming. Hesitantly he reached up and felt his head. After realising that the fire had, in fact, been extinguished, he grinned.

"Thanks Rosalie!"

"God Jasper, you're so selfish! Just because you are minutes from death does _not _mean you have the right to wake me up! I miss unconsciousness! I haven't slept in 77 years dammit!" Charlie's eyes widened.

Jasper apologised and hung his smoking head, ashamed at his selfishness. "I'm sorry Rosalie! I will iron my hands tonight!"

The Cullens turned to stare at Jasper in disbelief. "Jasper, I thought those scars were from your battles in the Southern wars?" Asked Alice.

"I lied. It's from me ironing myself when I do something wrong." Jasper hung his head even further.

"That was _YOU!_ Jasper Hale! Do you know how long if have been looking for that iron?!" Demanded Esme.

A silence followed and the Cullens moved to sit back down while Emmett remained at the barbeque. Charlie nipped inside once again, wrote 'check' next to highly flammable' and 'drink blood', and went back outside. Alice examined Jasper's blackened hair. There was now a considerable chunk missing.

Emmett was now solely in charge of the barbeque. It was smouldering away normally now. Reluctantly, Emmett picked up some sausages and burgers, placing them on the grill.

"Eww" He murmured, "gross! Ughh! How can Bella eat this stuff?!"

As Emmett slowly cooked the meat, ensuring he stood as far from the barbeque as physically possible, everyone else went back to their strained polite conversation.

Alice tried this time. "So Charlie, when's your birthday?"

"It's the 23rd of June."

"My Birthday's in June too! The 30th! What year were you born in?"

"Well Alice, I think I'd rather not say! Over 30, let's keep it at that!"

"Come on Charlie! You can't be that old! There's no way you're older than me! I mean I was born in 1901 for pities sake!"

Charlie's eyes widened and Alice realised her mistake.

"I _MEAN, _my _GRANDMOTHER_ was born in 1901! HA haha ha..." Alice trailed off.

"Of course." Said Charlie politely, pretending not to have heard her mistake. The Cullens did not know what Charlie was doing. Had he really chosen to ignore what they were?

After the umpteenth awkward silence, Emmett announced that the food was ready. At least he thought it was. Bella headed over to the barbeque, checked everything was cooked properly and Emmett thanked her. As everyone sat down, Charlie distributed sausages, burgers, kebabs and ribs to Bella and the Cullens.

Bella and Charlie dug in eagerly while the Cullens sat staring at the greasy cheap meat on their plate.

As Charlie looked up to see why they weren't eating, the Cullens all smiled fakely and took a bite of their food, grimacing internally. Smirking slightly, Charlie returned his attention to his food. They ate in silence, Bella and Charlie making contented sounds at the delicious food, the Cullens choking it down.

Charlie glanced up to see Emmett staring at the uneaten steak on his plate.

"Do you not like the steak Emmett?"

"Emm...Well it's not exactly how I would normally eat a cow."

Charlie could see where this could lead and turned his tie towards Emmett subtly.

"How do you normally like your steak Emmett?"

"Rare."

"How rare?"

"Bloody." Said Emmett with a small smile. Alice laughed, but only ended up choking on her kebab.

The Cullens politely, but very firmly, declined second helpings while Charlie loaded up his plate a second, third and fourth time. They watched Charlie wolf down his food in disgust.

Eventually he finished and said, "Well that was a nice light lunch. Let me just clean everything away. BELLA!" The Cullens all jumped while Bella leapt out of her seat and began piling up the dishes. Edward stood up to help her but Charlie yelled,

"NO! Don't help her! It's her job!"

Edward glared down at Charlie, hatred clear on his face. Just as he was about to reply, Carlisle laid a hand on Edward's shoulder.

As Bella continued cleaning up the Cullens began to chat to one another. When Carlisle turned from Edward to Esme, Charlie looked straight at Edward and stuck out his tongue childishly.

Edward was appalled by this so retorted by blowing a raspberry.

Charlie, not to be beaten, grabbed each of his ears and pulled them out, crossing his eyes and yelling, "NUH NU NUH NU NUH!!!"

By now everyone had turned to stare in horror at Charlie and Edward. They could practically feel their IQ dropping.

Edward became tired of Charlie's antics and so picked up his knife and hurled it straight at Charlie's face. Luckily for Charlie, he had just started singing "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" and had bent down to touch his toes. The knife narrowly missed Charlie's scalp, cutting a few strands of hair, and then buried itself in the doorframe of the back door.

Charlie sat back up, eyes wide.

There was a moment of silence.

"Edward! Naughty step! NOW!" Yelled Carlisle.

"But he started it! "

"I don't care who started it, I'm ending it!"

Edward stood up sullenly and walked over to the backdoor, pulling the knife out of the doorframe and sitting on the step. Charlie turned around and smirked at him.

As the Cullens sat staring at Charlie in disbelief, wondering how on earth he ever became a police officer, let alone the _chief _ of Police, Bella came out of the house after tidying away the dishes.

However, she was not expecting Edward to be sitting on the step, so in her retardedly clumsy manner, she tripped and fell straight into his lap.

Edward, who had been upset by being sent to the naughty step, now cheered up considerably.

"Hey there sweet heart!"

He leant in to kiss Bella, but before he could do anything- ...


	9. Chapter 9

**Alright, so here's the next chapter! I am going on holiday tomorrow so I will be unable to update for 10 days – sorry! But when I'm back I will be updating lots – promise!**

**So enjoy and please review. Any ideas would be welcome as I have no definite plan for this story! People's suggestions are changing what I write.**

**I Don't own Twilight in any way shape or form. Sadly**

**Chapter 9**

- a large bucket of ice cold water was poured over him. He looked up to see Charlie standing over him grinning like a madman.

Charlie had grabbed the bucket and run over. He had never moved so fast in his life. The Cullens all burst out laughing while Bella lay in Edward's lap, choking on the water she had swallowed. Edward quickly sat her upright and hit her back, removing all the water from her lungs.

"What the hell was that for Charlie?!" asked Edward angrily.

"Why do you think?! Get away from my daughter!" Although the Cullens knew they probably shouldn't, they continued to laugh uproariously.

"Geez! She's my girlfriend I will kiss her if I like! Anyway, you have already ruined my plans for the day, why do you have to annoy me even more?!!!"

"Oh I know all about your plans mister!" Charlie turned serious in an instant, narrowing his eyes. The Cullens stopped laughing.

"And how would you know about my plans?" Asked, Edward, extremely irritated.

"I saw the text you sent Bella you disgusting boy! How could you even suggest such a thing?!"

Bella gasped as she realised that Charlie had stolen and read her phone; and that she had missed the only dirty text Edward had _ever_ sent her. She was on the verge of tears.

Edward was clueless. "What? What are you talking about?"

"Oh, I think you know! Offering Bella a 'ride'! Taking her to the meadow where no one would 'hear or see you' and that, 'it's been so long since you have ridden me'!!!" Charlie yelled at Edward, indicating quotation marks with his hands.

There was a moment of silence. The Cullens, who had been shocked for a millisecond, quickly realised that Edward was referring to a piggy back and burst out laughing once again.

Edward tried not to join in but the angry look on Charlie's face coupled with the hopeful and lustful look on Bella's; sent him over the edge.

Charlie looked on amazed as Esme and Carlisle simply laughed at his accusations of Edward's sexual antics.

"THIS IS NO LAUGHING MATTER! ESME AND CARLISLE, GET A GRIP! YOUR SON IS A SEXUAL PREDATOR!"

Esme spluttered out, "Well he's a predator all right, and from the look Bella's giving him, he must be pretty sexual!" The Cullens laughed even harder. Bella attempted to stop drooling on Edward.

Charlie stood in the middle of the chaos, fuming, for several minutes, until Alice recovered herself and walked over to Charlie.

"Charlie!" She gasped out between laughs, "he meant that he gives her _piggy back rides!_ And he only wants privacy so they can _talk_! The piggy backs are what makes her feel ill!" She then continued laughing.

Charlie blushed bright red. "I knew that! I was just...uh....testing to see if you knew that! Yeah! That's what I was doing!"

"YEAH, SURE CHARLIE!" Roared Emmett, rolling about on the ground.

Charlie was not happy about being laughed at and stormed inside. While he was in there he checked his camera and microphone hidden in his tie and took his checklist out of his pocket.

_They never eat -_** check**

_They are very pale _ **- check**

_They are very cold _** - unable to prove**

_They had no bodily fluids - _**unable to prove**

_They are highly flammable - _**check**

_They drink blood _**- check**

_They are inhumanly fast and strong_

_They don't go out in direct sunlight_

_They are immortal and beautiful – _**immortality: check**

He had only two and a half left to do.

'_hmmm....well they're beautiful, I can tell...but I think I need to get confirmation by several people...I can't ask people in Forks, they'd think I was a pervert....I mean, MORE of a pervert...'_

An idea suddenly came to Charlie. He picked up his digital camera from the table and headed back outside. By now the Cullens had calmed down and were only giggling now and then. Bella had sat down and Edward had joined her – his seclusion on the naughty step now over.

Charlie walked over and sat down, plastering another fake smile on his face.

"Charlie, I would like to apologise." Edward stopped speaking, looking unhappy. Carlisle's face was stern. "Come on Edward!"

Edward sighed and continued. "I'm sorry for trying to throw a knife in your face. I'm sorry for blowing a raspberry at you. I'm sorry for accidentally making it seem like I was a sexual predator trying to take advantage of you daughter."

"Well done Edward." Esme nodded happily, proud of her son.

Alice shook her head, wondering at the chain of events that had caused Edward to say that sentence.

"Thank you Edward." Said Charlie. "You're right, you are a dickhead."

"I never said that?!"

"It was implied!"

Edward opened his mouth to insult Charlie but saw Carlisle from the corner of his eye, mouthing 'naughty step'. Edward shut his mouth and sighed.

Charlie turned away from Edward and picked up his camera, turned it on, yelled 'SMILE!', and took a picture. The Cullens all turned reflexively and as soon as they realised what was happening, they quickly turned away to hide their faces. But they were too late – Charlie had managed to get a photo while they were all looking his way.

"Hey! Let me take a photo!"

The Cullens hurried to find an excuse.

Rosalie piped up, "No photos Charlie! Because we're immortal our looks never change so photos can be used in the future to prove we're not human!" After a second, her eyes widened and she clamped a hand over her mouth.

"What she _means_ is that...umm...her hair isn't perfect! Isn't that right Rosalie?" Said Alice desperately.

"Yeah! My hair wasn't right!..."

Charlie already had what he needed so said, "Ok then, I'll put it away."

The Cullens immediately relaxed.

Charlie realised that the time was running out for him to implement his plan.

"So do you go down to La Push Beach much? It's very nice there."

"No" said Carlisle, "We never go. We can't due to the treaty we have with the Quiletes. The one banning us from their land seeing as we're vampires. So no, not really."

As one, the rest of the family yelled, "CARLSILE!"

"Oh god! I'm so sorry!"

Charlie simply pretended not to have heard. "Sorry, what was that? I was distracted."

The Cullens were relieved but still looked at Charlie is disbelief. Was he deaf?

Regardless of whether he was pretending not to have heard or simply hadn't; the Cullens weren't complaining. He wasn't yelling at them or threatening to expose them which was a definite improvement. They even began to hope that maybe Charlie would keep their secret.

'_Does he even know?' _Wondered Alice. _'I mean he hasn't made any indication that he does all of today.. But Edward was so sure! He knows! I even saw it in a vision!'_

The Cullens were all incredibly confused about his behaviour and Charlie sat happily, knowing his plan was working perfectly.

While the Cullens sat trying to work out what Charlie was doing, droplets of rain began to fall from the sky. Luckily, the table had a large umbrella which was quickly put up by Charlie. However Charlie was worried about his camera being damaged by the rain and so asked Jasper to take it indoors.

Charlie noticed that many of the Cullen's glasses still had some lemonade left in them.

"Now, we can't have any waste, can we? Drink up!"

The Cullens grimaced once again, not wanting to be rude but dreading drinking the juice.

Meanwhile, Jasper had put Charlie's camera on the table but something else caught his eye. A small glass vial. Intrigued, Jasper picked it up and read the label.

**Vampire Exposure Supplies ltd.**

**VAMPIRE TRUTH SERUM**

**EXTRA STRONG**

'_Shit....' _thought Jasper.

Putting the vial in his pocket, he rushed back outside – just in time to see his family drink yet more of the lemonade containing the truth serum.

"NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" He screamed, diving towards the table. He landed face first in the grass and all the Cullens turned towards him in confusion.

"What is it Jasper?" Esme asked, alarmed. "Did you have another flashback to being in the war? Are you missing your lost teddy bear, Snugglekins?"

"ESME!" Yelled Jasper, while all the other Cullens laughed at this new information.

"Listen to me! Charlie has made us all drink-"

Charlie swiftly cut him off. "Now now Jasper, why don't you sit down under the umbrella, out of the rain."

While this had been going on Bella had been getting increasingly frustrated. She was not having a good day. She had not been able to go to the meadow with Edward and her hopes of Edward actually sending her a kinky text had been cruelly dashed. She needed cheering up.

Under the table she moved her hand to her left so it lay on Edward's knee.

He jumped.

She began to slide her hand slowly up his leg. He squirmed uncomfortable and reached under the table. He pressed Bella's hand into his leg, stopping her from advancing any further.

"Bella! This is not the time! In fact, I don't there will ever be a time!" Edward whispered in Bella's ear. The Cullens were all listening in now.

"Come on Edward! Loosen up!"

This hit a raw nerve. That combined with the truth serum, lead to Edward jumping up and shouting,

"NO! I WILL NOT LOOSEN UP! I AM A 108 YEAR OLD VIRGIN AND PLAN TO STAY THAT WAY! QUITE FRANKLY THE THOUGHT OF BEING INTIMATE WITH YOU DISGUSTS ME!"

There was a shocked silence at the table. Emmett snorted. Bella burst into tears.

A look of horror overcame Edward's face as he realised what he had just admitted to. Bella jumped up from the table and ran inside sobbing before Edward could stop her.

Emmett and Jasper were now in full out hysterics.

"HAHAHAH! OMG! A 108 YEAR OLD VIRGIN! YOU UTTER _LOSER_!!!" Emmett practically screamed.

"Well at least I don't take vampire steroids!" Retorted Edward.

"HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THOSE?!" Emmett was now screaming.

The Cullens all began laughing. Charlie looked on in awe at the chaos he had caused.

"God Emmett you're such a weirdo! ALMOST AS WERID AS JASPER WHEN HE ASKS ME TO LOOK INTO THE FUTURE TO FIND OUT WHEN THE NEXT 'BRING IT ON MOVIE' IS BEING RELEASED!" Alice was now also hysterical.

Jasper sat there with his head in his hands. They were too far gone to offer help now.

"Well Alice you're not so normal yourself! You told me you look into the future to find out if Edward and Bella _ever_ have sex! THAT'S JUST CREEPY AND WRONG!" Screamed Rosalie.

"SHUT UP ROSALIE!" yelled Carlisle, "WE ALL KNOW THAT YOU WATCH 'GIRLS OF THE PLAYBOY MANSION' BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BE ONE!"

"WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT CARLISLE, WHEN I FIRST MET YOU I THOUGHT YOU WERE GAY! YES, GAY! AND YOU LOOK FUGLY IN A STETHOSCOPE!" Rosalie yelled back.

"WELL AT LEAST I'M NOT AS WEIRD AS ESME! SHE WRAPS UP LOAVES OF BREAD IN BLANKETS AND WALKS AROUND TALKING TO THEM, PRETENDING THEY'RE BABIES! COME TO THINK OF IT, _SO DO YOU!_" Carlisle screamed this and then began to laugh his head off.

Esme and Rosalie looked at one another, upset, and then started to verbally abuse Carlisle.

Charlie and Jasper sat in the middle of this. Charlie was laughing dementedly to himself. Jasper was just horrified.

He pulled the serum bottle out of his pocket and read the small print.

**WARNING: EXTREME ANGER AND BITCHINESS IS A SIDE EFFECT.**

Jasper's eyes widened. '_Good god.'_

He turned to Charlie. "What the hell have you done!?"

Charlie just continued to laugh.

Defeated, Jasper put his head down in his hands, listening to the arguments.

Emmett turned to Rosalie. "YOU KNOW WHAT ROSALIE! YOU'RE CRAP IN BED!"

"WELL SO ARE YOU! I HAVE BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH ARO!

"WHAT?! BUT HE'S LIKE A MILLION YEARS OLD!"

"WELL HE'S STILL BETTER THAN YOU AND I FIND IT HOT!"

Rosalie then jumped on Emmett, trying to bite his ear off.

Alice was arguing with Edward.

Alice bitch slapped Edward and then said,

"YOU ARE JUST SO UNTHOUGHTFUL EDWARD! YOU PLAY YOUR EMO MUSIC _SO_ LOUD THAT THE REST OF US CAN'T THINK! I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE LONELY! I WOULDN'T CARE IF YOU JUST FUCKED OFF AND DIED IN A HOLE!"

Jasper suddenly looked up. "I agree."

Edward wasn't going to let that slide. "NO ONE EVEN LIKES YOU JASPER, APART FROM ALICE! AND EVEN SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU! WHEN YOU'RE HAVING SEX SHE THINKS ABOUT BRAD PITT! FACT! AND I WOULDN'T HAVE TO PLAY MY MUSIC SO LOUD IF YOU COULD JUST BE QUIETER WHILE YOU WERE HAVING CRAP SEX! AND MY EMO MUSIC'S GREAT! DON'T DISS DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE!"

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TOLD JASPER THAT YOU DOUCHE BAG!" Screamed Alice. "PEOPLE LIKE HIM MORE THAN THEY LIKE _YOU_! I WISH YOU WOULD JUST STOP BEING A PRUDE, HAVE SEX WITH BELLA, KILL HER ACCIDENTALY, AND THEN FUCK OFF AND BE EMO AND DEPRESSED SOMEWHERE FAR FAR AWAY FROM US! IT WOULD DO US ALL A FAVOUR!"

At this point Edward lunged at Alice and a fight began. Jasper simply couldn't be bothered to intervene and left them to it.

Esme was finally giving Carlisle a piece of her mind.

"GOD CARLSILE YOU ARE SO USELESS! YOU DON'T COOK, YOU DON'T CLEAN – YOU CAN'T EVEN PRODUCE SPERM TO GIVE ME A CHILD – WHAT KIND OF MAN ARE YOU???!!!"

"I MAY NOT GIVE YOU A CHILD BUT I AT LEAST HAVE DONE SOMETHING WITH MY LIFE! I SAVE POEPLE'S LIVES! WHAT DO YOU DO? DESIGN ROOMS AND MAKE CURTAINS! MAKING CURTAINS DOESN'T SAVE LIVES, IT KILLS THEM. I BET PEOPLE HANG THEMSELVES USING YOUR CURTAINS – THEY'RE SO UGLY!"

Then Carlisle and Esme began to wrestle each other.

Jasper and Charlie sat there watching them fight; listening to them swear at, and insult each other. Saying what they truly thought of each other under the influence of the truth serum.

After 5 minutes or so of screaming, fighting and swearing, it gradually began to quieten.

The punches began to soften, the swear words became less rude, until the six Cullens were sitting silently on the grass, looking confused.

"What just happened? Why do I not feel angry and truthful anymore?" Asked Esme.

"Why don't you ask _Charlie_!" Spat Jasper.

They all turned towards Charlie, waiting for an explanation.

'_Uh oh.'_ Thought Charlie.

But before he could think of an excuse, Alice leapt up and screamed,

"I MADE OUT WITH TANYA ONCE!"

Everyone's mouth fell open. Charlie used the distraction to run back into the house.

"What?! That's gross! And why are you even telling us that?! THE TRUTH SERUM ISN'T EVEN WORKING ANY MORE!" Yelled Edward.

Alice looked very embarrassed. "I JUST WANTED IT OUT IN THE OPEN, OK?!"

They all sat in a shocked silence.

Esme remembered what she had been asking. "So what happened?"

Jasper replied. "Charlie spiked all our lemonade's with truth serum. That's why we haven't been able to keep our secret. Also, one of the side effects is anger. I didn't drink the lemonade a second time so wasn't affected."

It took a moment for them all to digest this.

Carlisle jumped up. "Charlie! Where is that fat excuse for a man?!"

They all looked around to realise he had run through the house and had driven off in his cruiser.

"DAMN IT!" Yelled Edward, sick to death of his crazy antics. "Alice, is he going to expose us tonight?"

Alice took a quick glimpse into the future. "No. He's just going to drive around town, laughing to himself."

The Cullens all breathed a sigh of relief.

"Well," Carlisle said, "We should probably head home, this has been a disaster."

They all nodded in agreement. They picked up their stuff and filed back into the house, leaving a destroyed garden behind them. Just as they were about to leave the house they heard Bella's heartbroken wails from upstairs.

It suddenly hit Edward what he had said to Bella. "Oh god! What have I done?!"

"We'll leave you to it son." Said Carlisle, patting Edward on the back and walking out the door, followed by the rest of the family. They piled back into the cars and drove back in a tense angry silence. A lot of hurtful things had been said and they would never, _never_, be forgotten.

Meanwhile Edward stood at the foot of the stairs listening to Bella sob upstairs.

His thoughts were grim.

'_I thought my life couldn't get any worse. I was wrong."_


	10. Chapter 10

**Hey! I'm back! When I was on holiday I saw a copy of Twilight in French. I wanted to buy it so badly but it was really overpriced. It's called, **_**fascination**_** in French, instead of Twilight. Weird, huh?**

**Anyway, so I only got back 2am this morning so I'm pretty tired. I'm afraid this chapter's a little short but I'm going to start working on the next one right away!**

**I'm not quite sure how this one turned out. Funny? Bad? Good? Please tell me!**

**As usual, any ideas for the story – however weird or random they might seem- would be appreciated! And funny quotes would be great. I have already put in a couple from people who reviewed. (Captainimpalerox in this chapter!)**

**Okay so as usual I don't own Twilight.**

**Please review!**

**Chapter 10**

A mile or so away, Lauren was in her bedroom. As all the boys she would normally have sex with were at a football game, she had nothing to do. After browsing the baby clothes catalogues she had picked up and declaring the clothes 'fugly as fugly shit', she popped open her laptop.

After sifting through her endless e mails from paedophiles she sometimes hooked up with, she logged onto Facebook.

She pulled up her page and after staring at her photo for 5 minutes saying; "God! I'm so hot! I'm, like, totally hotter than a....a.....Really hot thing!" - She looked at her notifications.

"Hmmm..." She murmured to herself, "I have been tagged in a photo! Cool! I bet it was Jessica or someone!"

She clicked onto the profile of the person who had tagged the photo. "Emmett Cullen? What? Does he like me? Well duh! Of course he does! I'm way hotter than Rosalie anyway...I bet he would dump her so he could go out with-"

Lauren suddenly stopped talking when she eventually clicked onto the photo.

On screen was her. Her eyes were wide, her mouth open. Lauren's shocked and horrified face mirrored the one on the computer screen.

"NO! What a bad photo! Ugh! I mean, when did he even take this?!"

The cogs of Laurens brain began to turn at a horrendously slow speed.

While they were still processing, Lauren noticed there was a caption.

After sounding out each consonant and vowel, and checking her _'Alphabet for First Graders"_ book, she managed to read the sentence.

"Lauren Mallory after two well wishers asked her when her precious gift from above was due."

She suddenly remembered the day of the urine test. Emmett and Jasper had asked her when the baby was due and had taken a photo of her reaction. She had been shocked but was quickly distracted by one of the hot seniors walking past. Lauren might have been stupid, but she wasn't _that_ stupid. Emmett Cullen somehow knew she was pregnant and had posted it on Facebook. She knew the implications. Everyone would find out. _Everyone._

Her 200 decibel, deafening scream, echoed around Forks.

When the scream reached the Swan house, Edward, who was standing outside Bella's bedroom door; jumped and grabbed his ears, moaning. Piercing screams and supersensitive hearing don't mix.

Bella was oblivious. Partly due to her weak human ears, but also due to the fact she was howling and crying, her face buried in her pillow.

"Bella, sweetheart, please! Let me in so I can talk to you!" Edward begged Bella, leaning against the door. Although he felt it was wrong to ignore Bella's wishes and break the lock and enter; his patience was running out.

Bella sat up, and between sobs yelled, "There's nothing to talk about!"

"Love, please let me in!"

"No."

"Please!"

"No!"

"PLEASE!"

"NO!"

At this point Edward simply couldn't take it anymore. "_God! I get enough drama watching Gossip Girl! I don't need this as well!"_

And on that thought, he punched open Bella's door, severing the lock.

Bella sat back up again quickly, surprised by the noise.

Her eyes widened when she saw Edward's pained face staring down at her. Her lips wobbled and more tears began to roll down her cheeks. Edward, unable to bear seeing his love in such agony, hurried to the side of her bed and knelt down, his face level with hers.

He reached out a hand to touch the side of her face. She flinched away.

"G..g....g...go aw....aw....away! If I disgust y...y....you so much, why are you still he... he... here?!" Bella sobbed.

"Bella sweetheart, you don't disgust me! I love you with all my heart!"

Bella's sobs quietened a little. "But you said-"

Edward cut her off, "It was just in the heat of the moment, I was angry! I didn't mean it!"

Bella was quiet for a minute.

"So...The thought of being intimate with me _doesn't_ disgust you?"

Edward's moment of hesitation was just a little too long; but Bella didn't notice. "Of _course_ not!" Said Edward confidently, lying with ease.

Bella stopped sobbing all together. She sat contemplating that Edward did actually want her. She smiled. Edward inwardly sighed in relief- she had chosen his lie over the truth.

While Bella sat smiling, staring at Edward and fantasising things that would horrify Edward, her subconscious was trying to tell her something.

_Bella's subconscious: He's lying! When he said you disgusted him he was telling the truth! He was on truth serum for pities sake you stupid open-mouthed retard!_

_Bella's conscious: huh? What? Wait... he must be lying!_

_Bella's subconscious: No duh Sherlock! Could it have taken you longer if you tried?!"_

Bella's smile disappeared into a face of confusion.

"But Edward, surely if you were on truth serum then you were saying the absolute truth, so that means that-"

Edward, seeing where this was going decided on acting immediately. After running through several ideas, he came across the only one that would sufficiently distract her.

He leaned forward, grabbed her chin, and kissed her. Needless to say, Bella quickly forgot everything she had been thinking.

As she tended to do, Bella became slightly over enthusiastic with the kiss but for once Edward didn't stop her. Her heart soared. Edward meanwhile, truly was enjoying kissing Bella. He loved all the PG 13 stuff they did. Kissing, holding hands, cuddling. But it was the thought of being intimate with Bella that turned his stomach. And that was pretty impressive, seeing as he didn't really have a stomach.

As they were kissing, Edward started thinking to himself,

"_God I love kissing her! It's amazing! But being intimate? UGH! It would be horrible when Bella was human! Maybe as a vampire I would enjoy it, but HUMAN! I feel sick just imaging the sweat and other unmentionable human bodily fluids that would get all over me!"_

A shudder of horror rippled through Edward's torso. Bella however, took this to be a sign Edward wanted more, and so pulled her leg over, straddling him.

Edward's eyes widened in fear.

Bella started undoing his shirt.

Edward started to hyperventilate.

Bella started to undo the buttons on _her_ shirt.

Edward reached over the bed, picked up a handy paper bag and began to blow into it.

Bella leaned forward to kiss him and Edward spotted a single bead of sweat on her forehead.

As all his fears overcame him, Edward flung Bella back onto the bed and leapt to the other side of the room.

Bella's insecurities immediately resurfaced and her eyes filled once again with tears.

"But I thought you _did_ want me!"

"I do Bella!" '_lie'_ thought Edward.

"I just think it would be safer if we waited until you were a vampire! More durable!" _'Well that's true. It would be safer. I would also just prefer it that way. Not having to get too close to your smelly human body...'_

Edward's thoughts were interrupted by Bella's sobs starting up again.

"Edward, please! We both know you won't hurt me! Either you want me or you don't. Which one is it?!"

As Bella said this, things became very clear to Edward. She was human. Her hormones ruled her. He could give in and give her what she wants, and stay with her. Or he could refuse, showing he didn't want her in that way and that would break Bella's heart.

Edward loved Bella. He never wanted to hurt her. Especially due to his own fear and paranoia.

Edward took a deep breath, steeled himself for the coming events, and said;

"Of course I want you Bella. Please excuse my actions. I don't know what I was thinking. We can try being together tonight if you like. But this will be the _only _ time before you are changed, ok?"

Bella nodded eagerly. "So you'll really do what I want?"

"Anything."

Edward's grimace was very faint, but noticeable if you were paying attention.

Bella wasn't though. All she could think was, _'SEX! EDWARD! SEX WITH EDWARD! YAY!'_

As Bella grinned at Edward, glowing with happiness, he approached the bed. He was planning on kissing her for a while, hoping that might make him feel a little better about the situation. However, Bella wasted no time; jumping on top of him.

If Edward had had a heart it would have been beating at a hundred miles an hour in utter terror.

His last thought before the torture began was,

'_Please let it be over quickly.'_


	11. Chapter 11

**Okely Dokely everybody, here's another chapter!**

**Jazzy'sGirl4ever, GOOD PREDICTION!**

**Thanks for the reviews guys! I love them! This chapter is kind of a follow up to the last one and there is no Charlie/exposing the Cullens in this one, or probably the next, but then Charlie will be back to his usual antics!**

**I don't own Twilight. I think that's pretty obvious. If I owned Twilight, I would be bathing in my own glory, not writing this. (Not that I don't love all you readers!)**

**Chapter 11**

Late that next morning, Emmett wandered downstairs into the Cullens living room. It was unusually empty as most of the Cullens were sulking/freaking out about how they had behaved in front of Charlie the previous day. Emmett however, was unconcerned. After smearing chocolate all over Edward's piano to piss him off, he settled down in front of the TV. After watching a few baseball games he picked up the sound of Edward's Volvo racing up the driveway.

'_Oh look, Mr. Stalker is back. He's driving pretty fast, even for him...'_

As Emmett began to ponder this, another one of his senses kicked into gear. His sense of smell.

It took Emmett a moment to work out where the smells were coming from, after he had recoiled and covered his nose with his hand.

'_Holy shit! What the hell is that! Ugh! And it's getting closer, whatever it is! Wait! It must be Edward! Why the hell does Edward smell so bad?!'_

Emmett quickly tried to work out what the smell was, while trying to avoid being sick. And just the fact that a vampire was feeling queasy, shows just how bad Edward smelt to Emmett.

'_God, it's like a mixture of every gross smell mixed together! Okay, you can do this Emmett! Alright, that one...hmmm...Smells like sweat! Eugh! God, how the hell does Edward have BO? Alright, what's that other one...blood? No, it can't be blood! It doesn't smell good! Wait! It kinda smells like Bella around that time every month when she gets all moody...hmmm...I never understood that. And what's the last two? Oh, it's sort of like the smell that comes from girls sometimes when they look at me. From around the area of their upper thighs... hmmm... And the last? That one doesn't smell so bad. Reminds me of how I smell like sometimes...Smells like Edward kind of...Wait, I get that smell after me and Rose have...._

The answer dawned on Emmett just as Edward burst through the door.

Emmett screamed, "HOLY MOTHER MARY SHIT JESUS CHRIST FUCK A DUCK!!!!", and fell back off the sofa.

Half due to his realisation, half due to the overpowering stench that Edward had brought into the room.

Emmett quickly covered his nose once again and scrambled back up. The sight in front of him made his eyes widen.

Edward stood absolutely still, staring with blank eyes into the distance. His face was haggard and his expression tortured. His shirt buttons were done up unevenly, as if he had been racing to get dressed and escape. His trousers were crumpled, he only had one shoe. And on the base of his neck, Emmett could make out long red scratches on his skin. Scratches that were the same distance apart from each other as Bella's fingers...

As Emmett stood gaping at his brother, Edward began to cry.

His chest shook, his bottom lip quivered, and somehow, impossibly, tears rolled down his cheeks. Edward was so deeply scarred, tortured and terrified, that he actually managed to produce tears. History was made that day.

As Edward stood sobbing in the doorway, Emmett, compassionate as ever, asked;

"What the hell Edward!? You are a mess! You stink! Did you do what I think you did? Did you have sex with Bella?!"

At the mention of the word 'sex', Edward let out a scream and crumpled to the floor, wailing;

"NOOOOOOOOO! OH GOD MAKE THE MEMORIES GO AWAY! OH NO! PLEASE GOD, MAKE IT STOP! MAKE _HER_ STOP!"

He then became unintelligible, screaming random words, in many different languages.

The rest of the Cullens heard the commotion and ran downstairs to see Edward screaming, stinking, and laying on the floor. It only took them half a second to decipher the smells and realise what he had done. Noses covered with their hands, the Cullens looked on horrified at Edward and the state he was in. Esme made a few motherly sympathetic noises, but apart from that, there was shocked silence.

Edward's screams became moans.

"I thought it would never end! The endless torture! Oh god it was horrible! The smells! The noises! Aaargh! My virginity! I want it back! I miss being a virgin! When l was safe and happy! 108 years of happiness – wasted! Oh why did I give in! Why didn't I wait till I changed her! I'm so ashamed! Raped by my own girlfriend! Raped by a _human_!"

At this point Edward once again became unintelligible as he began to sob.

As he cried, he unwittingly took a large breath in through his nose. Upon getting a whiff of his own smell, Edward made history once again.

He threw up a few gallons of blood onto the cream carpet, groaning.

Esme flinched.

The Cullens just couldn't believe what they were hearing or seeing. Edward was puking up blood. Edward had been raped. By Bella!

Once Edward had wiped the blood from his mouth he took another hesitant breath through his nose. He groaned and was immediately over taken by overwhelming flash backs.

His only coherent thought was '_oh god I need to clean myself of this filth!'_

The Cullens watched on as Edward began to drag himself, moaning, towards the kitchen. They followed quietly behind as he painfully dragged himself inch by inch across the carpet.

Upon reaching the kitchen he pulled himself up, clutching the worktop, and opened a cupboard. From there he removed the 5 litre bottle of hand sanitizer that Esme had bought at Costco the previous week.

Esme had been worried about Swine flu. The Cullens quickly corrected her in a compassionate and constructive way. Meaning, they smacked her on the back of the head and called her a retard. As Esme went to throw it out, Edward had stopped her, knowing that with Bella's luck, she'd catch swine flu.

The Cullens gave each other confused looks as Edward straightened up and opened the top of the hand sanitizer.

Then without warning he tipped it over his head. After rubbing it all over his face, he poured some in his mouth, ears, and squirted some up his nose. He removed his shirt and smeared it all over his chest and back. He took a hold of the front of trousers. Pulled them out slightly, and emptied at least a litre into his underwear. He sighed contentedly. After rubbing sanitizer all over his arms, feet, and other parts of his body that I won't mention, he threw the empty container in the bin. He stood staring into space looking tortured for a few minutes, until it had all dried. He now smelt considerably better.

The Cullens still did not have a clue what to say or do. Carlisle, however, was considering taking him to a psychiatrist.

Edward turned to his family.

Esme's motherly instincts kicked into gear. "Edward, honey, do you want to talk about it? Is there anything we can do?"

Edward's face contorted into to one of fear. He managed to stutter out, "nn..n..n..no. I'm fine. Thank you. Now if you'll excuse me I still have to have a mental breakdown, scrub myself clean, and lose any self-confidence I still have; all before eight. Then I have to watch Gossip Girl.

And with that, Edward turned on his heel and sprinted upstairs. A few seconds later the dulcet sounds of Death Cab for Cutie could be heard echoing from Edward's room.

Alice spoke up. "Okay, what are we going to do?"

Jasper replied, "Well, I think in order to help Edward we need to understand what has happened. And since Edward is obviously in no state to do that, we need to talk to Bella."

There was a collective gasp. No one wanted to have to talk to Bella about her supposedly raping Edward.

Emmett, however, was always up for a challenge.

"I'll talk to her! I'll be great! You know, sensitive, compassionate as I am!"

The Cullens opened their mouths to refute this, but realised they didn't want to end up talking to Bella. They all nodded.

"Okay then! It's all settled! I will go and ask Bella about her raping Edward!"

As soon as the words had left Emmett's mouth, Edward could be heard screaming upstairs. The Cullens grabbed Emmett and threw him out the door.

"HURRY!" They all screamed in unison.

As Emmett drove to Bella's house, Build me up Buttercup came on the radio. He began to sing the chorus, replacing the words.

"Why did you rape Edward (rape Edward)

Miss Bella Swa-an.

You really scared him (scared him)

And messed him up

And then worst of all (worst of all)

You haven't said sorry

About raping him (raping him)

But he loves you still

He needs you (he needs you)

More than anyone darling

You know that he has from the start

So apologise (apologise)

Isabella

Don't break his heart!"

Emmett sang this song several times in his loud voice, unaware that his window was down the entire time.

The citizens of Forks simply stared in surprise and horror as Emmett drove by singing about Bella raping Edward.

Eventually he reached the Swan residence. '_Here I go." _Emmett took a deep breath and knocked on the door.


	12. Chapter 12

**Hello everyone! So here is the follow up chapter. Emmett confronting Bella! Now, I tried to not take this one **_**too**_** out of control, as it is all about Edward and Bella and I want to keep their relationship semi-normal! Next chapter will be back to Charlie and his antics!**

**I don't own Twilight (sadly)**

**Please Read and Review! I would really like to get to 80 reviews before I update again! Pretty please!!! :)**

**Chapter 12**

Bella was interrupted from dancing round the room chanting, "I had sex with Edward! I had sex with Edward!", by the sound of Emmett pounding on the door. She hastily tied a dressing gown around her scantily clad body but then decided she was really rather exhausted and plopped down onto her bed.

"Use the window." She called to Emmett.

Exactly 2 and a half seconds later, Emmett appeared outside Bella's window. She watched in surprise at what happened next.

Emmett began to ease open the window, only to take a large breath in through his nose. His eyes widened, and he fell from the window.

_He fell from the window._

Bella jumped up in shock and ran to the window, leaning out. She could see Emmett lying face down in the grass.

Her thoughts were panicked.

'_Oh god I killed Emmett! What am I going to do! Rosalie's going to KILL me! And Edward will be so upset! I bet he won't have sex with me anymore!'_

This revelation scared Bella far more than the prospect of Emmett being dead.

'_NOOOOOO! OH GOD NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!'_

Luckily for Bella, Emmett was unaware of these thoughts and misconstrued the panicked noises coming from Bella as an indication she was worried about him.

He jumped back up to his feet. "I'm fine Bella!"

Bella sighed in relief but her face was confused. "Why did you fall?"

"Emm...uh...well....I was worried about Swine flu! Yeah, that's it! I thought I smelled it in your room..."

Just as Bella was about to point out that Swine Flu was not a danger to vampires, Emmett disappeared, reappearing a few seconds later holding a surgical mask.

He put it on, ensuring his nose was covered and climbed hesitantly into Bella's room.

His initial reaction was relief. _'Thank god! This mask gets rid of the SMELL! This entire room smells like Edward, only worse! I didn't think that was possible!'_

It was then that the appearance of Bella's room registered.

While Bella skipped happily to her bed and sat down, Emmett surveyed the room in horror.

Bella's duvet was piled in a heap in the corner, crumpled and stained. Bella's bookcase was smashed, books strewn across the floor. Her bed frame was visibly cracked into two parts, a huge dip in the middle of the bed. The entire room was strewn with debris; ripped books, CDs, clothes...

However what disturbed Emmett most were the marks on the wall.

Emmett had seen some horrific things in his life. Wars, dismembered bodies, Rosalie in the morning. But nothing, could have prepared him for what he saw that moment on the wall.

The entire wall next to the bed was covered in scratches. Huge long gashes in the paint obviously caused by Edward's fingernails. As Emmett looked closer, past the numerous scratches, he could make out words, scratched into the wall by Edward.

"SOS"

"HELP ME!"

"OH GOD MAKE IT STOP!"

"STOP! DON'T TOUCH ME THERE"

"ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER HERE"

"R.A.P.E GET BELLA AWAY FROM ME!"

Emmett backed up against the wall as Bella cocked her head to the side and smiled angelically. Emmett immediately drew parallels between Bella and the creepy clown guy from "Saw."

"So Emmett, what brings you here?"

As Emmett stood cowering against the opposite wall, appalled and disgusted, he gave himself a mental pep talk.

'_Come on Emmett! Man up! It's only Bella! I can't believe she raped Edward! True, he could have physically stopped her but she should have thought about him before she demanded sex! Geez! Alright, I'm going to do this for Edward! For the Cullens! FOR ALL MAN AND VAMPIRE KIND!'_

Bella's mouth was open. Emmett hadn't realised he had said the last three sentences out loud.

Just as Bella was about to ask what was going on, Emmett spoke.

"Okay Bella, I'll get right to the point. Why did you rape Edward?"

Bella's mouth opened even further.

"What?! I didn't rape him!"

Emmett, considerate as he was, replied, "Bella! He came home this morning looking suicidal! He dragged himself around the floor, screaming about the horrific experience he had just gone through!"

Bella's face became confused and upset.

"What? He really did that?" Bella's bottom lip quivered and her eyes filled with tears.

"Yes!"

"But...but...I though it went fine! I mean, he was quite rough, throwing us around the room and stuff. Not to mention he screamed pretty much the whole time. I thought he was just being kinky, that he liked it? I mean, afterwards, he was crying with joy!"

Emmett face somehow paled as he listened to this.

"Bella, how do you know he was crying with joy?"

"Well he was crying afterwards and I asked him why, and he said because he was happy!"

Emmett was silent for a minute or two.

"Bella, he wasn't crying with joy. He was upset. He felt obliged to give you what you wanted and have sex with you, but he _really_ didn't enjoy it, OK? So don't you even think about guilting him into doing it again before you are changed, understand?"

Emmett somehow believed that this was a compassionate thing to say. So he was surprised when Bella burst into tears.

He watched in horror as she collapsed, howling, onto the bed. He stood up and awkwardly patted Bella on the back saying, "There there, there there." This didn't help.

Bella sat up after ten minutes or so, and began to speak in between her sobs.

"I can't believe he didn't enjoy it! I thought he did! I never thought he would agree to it if he truly didn't want to! Oh god I'm such a horrible person! I should just DIE!"

Bella jumped up and grabbed one of her belts. It took Emmett a few minutes to process what was going on and by this point she was dangling from the ceiling, about to kick the chair out from under her feet.

"Shit!" Emmett quickly grabbed and untied Bella.

'_Oh god what am I going to do! I need to go back and talk to the others about what Bella said but she's suicidal! I guess I will just have to take her back to the house...'_

Bella had recommenced sobbing hysterically on her bed. "Okay Bella. You need to go shower and get dressed. Grab some breakfast and then we're going back to my house."

Bella nodded and shuffled to the bathroom, still sobbing. Emmett looked around the room once more, shuddering. _'The things I do for that girl...'_

And with that, he began to clear up Bella room. He quickly tidied up the books and CDs, put the book shelf back together, and dumped the bedding in the dirty laundry basket. The bed and wall were too damaged to fix so he made a mental note to ask Esme to buy Bella a new bed. And re-plaster her wall.

Bella returned to her room, looking and smelling clean – to Emmett's relief – so he removed the surgical mask, leaving it on her bedside table in case bird flu ever hit Forks. It was already a pandemic in Forks' twin town, Spoons.

Emmett threw Bella on his back and ran to the Cullen's house, trying to ignore the sounds of Bella's quiet sobs.

Inside the house everyone heard Emmett and Bella's approach. "Everyone just act normal, okay?" said Carlisle. The rest of the Cullens – minus Edward who was sobbing in his room – nodded.

Bella pushed open the door and the Cullens gasped at the sight of her tear stained distraught face.

Alice stepped forward. "Bella? Are you okay?"

"Emmett..just...Well he was very honest with me..."

Bella stopped mumbling when she realised all the Cullens were glaring at Emmett. Under his breath Jasper hissed, "You weren't meant to tell her the truth! Just find out her side of what happened!"

Emmett simply shrugged and looked sheepish.

"Now, don't listen to Emmett he doesn't know what he's talking about!" Lied Alice and she stepped forward to hug Bella. As Alice hugged her, Bella winced and pulled back.

"Oh! Sorry! Did I grip you too hard?!"

"No..." Bella mumbled. "My shoulders are just a little sore, that's all."

Carlisle looked worried. "Let me have a look Bella."

He approached Bella and eased down one shoulder of her top. Everyone gasped.

There, imprinted on her skin, was a bruise the exact shape of Edward's hand.

Bella, upon seeing this, broke down into tears again while the Cullens tried desperately to cheer her up.

Mean while, up in his room, Edward had finished sobbing. And, since he was Edward and always laid the blame on himself, he was feeling guilty.

'_What kind of boyfriend am I?! I have sex with her and then run off! Even though I didn't enjoy it, I should have made sure she was okay!'_

As Edward continued to berate himself he heard Bella come in the door.

He couldn't help but feel his heart soar, just because she was near.

But at the sound of Bella crying, his heart plummeted once again. It didn't matter that Bella had forced him to have torturous sex with her, he still couldn't bear to have her upset. And that was true love, right there.

He jumped up and sprinted downstairs, careering to a stop in front of Bella. He instantly spotted the bruise on her shoulder.

"Bella?! Are you okay?! DID JACOB DO THIS TO YOU?!"

The Cullens, realising that this was not something to get involved in, stealthily crept upstairs.

Bella looked down, tears continuing to stream, refusing to look at Edward. She felt too ashamed.

"No."

"Then who?!" Edward demanded, determined to seek revenge on whoever had injured his true love.

"You."

Edward felt like the ground fell out from underneath him as he made the link. He slowly reached up and gently placed his hand over the bruise. It matched perfectly.

He gasped in horror.

"Oh god! Bella I'm so sorry! I can't believe I did that to you! I'm so sorry! I am a monster! I don't deserve to live! I'm a monster! A MOSTER!"

"No! Edward don't say that! I forced you to have sex with me when you didn't want to and you weren't ready! That was so wrong of me! I feel terrible! You loved me so much that you wouldn't deny me anything but I was the opposite – I just demanded and gave nothing in return! I'm a disgusting creature! _I'M _THE MONSTER!"

"No Bella! _I'M _THE MONSTER!"

"NO! _I'M _THE MONSTER!"

"NO! _I'M _THE MONSTER!"

"NO! _I'M _THE MONSTER!"

"NO! _I'M _THE MONSTER!"

Alice had been listening into the conversation and was sick of them trying to out-emo each other.

"Right! You are both monsters! But in different ways! Okay?!"

Bella and Edward nodded quietly, surprised at Alice's interruption. Alice huffed and went back upstairs.

Bella and Edward stood staring at each other, both emotionally drained. Edward sighed and reached out and took Bella's hand, leading her to the sofa. He sat down and Bella curled up in his lap.

They sat there in silence for a while. Edward eventually broke it.

"I'm so sorry I hurt you Bella. I feel terrible!"

Bella turned around and put a finger to his lips before he could say anymore.

"No, it's my fault! I should never had given you an ultimatum like that and made you have sex with me. You love me more than I deserve and I took advantage of that. I am so very sorry."

Bella, you cannot take all the blame! I shouldn't have lied and pretended I wanted to be with you, it was wrong. It didn't do either of us any good. I should have stopped us before it all got out of control, but I didn't."

"Why didn't you, if you hated it so much?" Bella was once again close to tears.

"Because I love you! I didn't want to hurt your feelings!" As Bella opened her mouth to apologise once again, Edward put a finger on her lips.

"Let's just leave it at that. You shouldn't have taken advantage of me, I should have been braver and made my opinion more clear. It would have stopped you from getting hurt. We're both at fault. Why don't we just forget about it?"

Bella nodded.

"Good. But I want you to know that I still love you. So much! I just don't think us being together when you are still human is possible. It's just too difficult for me. (Luckily for Edward, Bella assumed it was due to his blood lust). When you are changed we can make love all you want!"

Bella immediately cheered up, mumbled "Okay" and snuggled further into Edward's arms. He sighed and rested his head on top of hers.

Edward listened into the thoughts of his nosy family, who had all been listening in.

The first one he heard was Jasper.

'_Good god, there was a weird conversation. How those two can keep a straight face while discussing that I don't know...'_

The second was Emmett.

"_Nice save Edward! She didn't even realise that you were disgusted by her human body! And I'm so proud of you! You FINALLY lost your virginity! Even if you were raped....And it only took you 108 years!!!"_

Bella and Edward's cute romantic moment was ruined by Edward jumping up and throwing Emmett through a wall. Esme started screaming. Everyone one else laughed.

Just another normal day in the Cullen household.


	13. Chapter 13

**Okay Dokey everyone, here's the next chapter! Now I said I would like 80 reviews, and currently it's at 77... Now because I'm nice I will upload it anyway.**

**Hope you like it, we are back to Charlie and his crazy antics!**

**Now, If you have any ideas for this story, or anything you want to see happen, please tell me! I don't really have a plan for where this is going so you can influence it! Anyone who gives an idea gets cyber cookies and a mention in my next update!**

**Please review and tell me what you think!**

**As usual, I don't own Twilight. *sigh***

**Chapter 13**

******Just after the End of the Barbeque******

As soon as the Cullens had become distracted, Charlie sprinted towards his squad car. Ten minutes or so later, he reached it. He collapsed inside and gunned the engine, zooming out of the driveway.

He spent the next 5 hours driving around and around the town, laughing like a maniac and screaming "YES! THEY FELL FOR IT! I'M THE MOST CLEVEREST MAN FORKS HAS EVER SEEN!"

Well that wasn't exactly difficult.

After a few more hours of this he began to feel sleepy so he drove to the police station. He collapsed onto the sofa in the waiting room and fell fast asleep instantly. His last thought was,

'_It's only Forks. Nothing bad is going to happen...I can doze off...'_

That night Forks had its first murder, terrorist attack, homicide, suicide and rape.

Unbeknown to Charlie, that rapist was in fact his daughter.

He awoke the next day at noon, full of energy and desperate to use it to expose the Cullens. He pulled his chubby body up and waddled over to the computer. He removed his tie carefully and eased the camera and microphone out of it.

He connected them up to the computer and giggled creepily as the footage of the Cullen's confessions streamed into the computer. Making sure he had saved it in multiple places, he turned off the computer.

He sighed in relief knowing that that part of his evidence was safe. He pulled his crumpled list from his pocket and looked over it once again.

_They never eat -_** check**

_They are very pale _ **- check**

_They are very cold _** - unable to prove**

_They have no bodily fluids - _**unable to prove**

_They are highly flammable - _**check**

_They drink blood _**- check**

_They are inhumanly fast and strong_

_They don't go out in direct sunlight_

_They are immortal and beautiful – _**immortality: check**

'_hmmm...'_ Charlie thought '_okay so I still need to prove that they are beautiful, fast, strong, and don't go out in sunlight...'_

After some consideration Charlie decided that he would try to prove their beauty first.

He jumped in his car and returned home. He grabbed his camera from the table and on his way out he swore he could hear Bella chanting something....And skipping... he dismissed it and climbed back into his car. He drove to the Pharmacy and handed the camera to the clerk behind the photo desk. He eyed Charlie warily. He didn't want to develop any more photos Charlie had taken of young women while stalking them. But he didn't have much choice so took them into the back room and began to develop them.

Charlie got tired of sitting waiting for the photos to be done so he wandered around the Pharmacy. He picked up some shampoo and deodorant and made his way to the till to pay. Mrs Clark greeted him from behind the counter.

"Good afternoon chief!"

"Hello Mrs Clark. All's well here I assume?"

"Oh yes, it's been very busy! You are our second customer of the day!"

Mrs Clark glowed with satisfaction.

After making small talk about the weather. Which consisted of;

"It's raining today."

"Yes, it does rain rather a lot here doesn't it?"

"Yes.";

Mrs Clark said,

"Oooh! Guess who I had in here before you!"

"Benefit thief Billy?"

"No."

"Jim the lumberjack?"

"No."

"Joe Bob the hillbilly?"

"No! He can't afford anything in here silly! Ok, I'll tell you!"

"Okay."

"It was Edward Cullen! That really handsome young man! One of Dr Cullen's sons! My, is he good-looking! If I was twenty years younger and he was-"

Charlie cut her off.

"What?! Why was he in here?!"

"Now, Charlie, I don't see why that is any of your business!"

"Now see here Mrs Clark, he is dating my daughter, so I think it IS my business!"

"Oh! Of course! I forgot about that!"

At this point something dawned on Mrs Clark and her eyes widened in horror.

"Oh!"

"What?!" Charlie demanded, suspicious.

"Well, I'm not really sure how to tell you this Charlie, but Edward was in here buying.....buying..."

"Come on woman! What was he buying?!" Charlie was very suspicious now.

"Well, you see. He was buying....condoms."

Charlie's eyes widened and his face began to turn purple.

"What?" His voice was low and menacing.

Mrs Clark backed slightly away from Charlie, who looked more than a little insane.

"w..w...well he was..uh...muttering things.."

"Like what?"

"Well...He said something..l...l..like...'God I really need to get some protection, in case we do it again. Who knows what kind of things I could catch! I really shouldn't give in, but I just can't help myself! I always seem to give her what she wants!' Then he shuddered and put them on the counter."

She could see Charlie about to explode.

"Honestly if you could have seen him Charlie! He was a mess! Hair all over the place, stinking of sweat and god knows what else. And he looked so shaken up! Terrified, even!"

After saying this, she realised that considering that Edward was dating Charlie's daughter, that was not the best thing to say to calm him down.

Charlie's face was contorted in anger and rage. He threw some money down on the counter, muttered 'thank you', grabbed his purchases and rushed away from the counter. He grabbed the developed photos from the terrified clerk and hurried to his car.

As he closed the door behind him, he let his rage escape.

He roared with anger.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"

He continued to scream and curse while punching and kicking his car dashboard. Eventually he calmed down enough to be able to think coherently.

'_WHAT?! THAT FUCKING LEECH WAS BUYING __**CONDOMS**__! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!_

After abusing his car a bit more he began to calm down a little.

'_Why did he buy those?! I mean, from what Mrs Clark said it's obvious he had sex with someone, but my Bella would never have sex! Especially not with Edward! I mean, she knows he's a vampire! She couldn't possibly want to have sex with him! Anyway, she wants to wait until she is married, I am absolutely sure of it!'_

Charlie, dim as he was, somehow believed this to be true.

'_So if he didn't have sex with Bella then who-"_

Charlie suddenly realised where his thoughts were taking him. His conclusion was wrong, but he didn't know that.

He began to punch his car again.

'_HE'S CHEATING ON HER, THAT VAMPIRE SCUMBAG! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! MY BELLA DOES NOT DESERVE THIS! I __WILL__ EXPOSE HIM AND HIS DISGUSTING FAMILY! THEN BELLA WILL LEAVE HIM AND MARRY JACOB! YES!'_

Charlie, invigorated by his anger, slammed down on the accelerator, and reached Port Angeles an hour later.

He sat in his car and took out his developed photos. He leafed through the ones he had taken while lurking outside a woman's house until he got to the one he was looking for.

The photo of the Cullen's he had taken at the barbeque.

Grinning, he took a pen and notebook from the glove compartment and left the car. He walked through Port Angeles until he reached the main street.

He had chosen Port Angeles for a reason. He couldn't do what he was about to do, in Forks, as people knew the Cullens, he had to do it somewhere where they wouldn't be known.

He approached a passing man and asked if he could borrow a few moments. The man reluctantly agreed.

"I am writing a scientific paper on human perceptions of beauty. Please could you take a look at this photo and tell me, on a scale of one to ten, how attractive these people are."

He held up the photo and the man gasped.

"Oh my! They are the most beautiful people I have ever seen! Ten!"

Charlie nodded, thanked the man, and wrote, '10' down on his notepad.

Next he stopped an elderly woman and asked her the same thing. He did this countless times, noting down the age, sex, and appearance of people he asked to show that his survey gave the views of all parts of society.

As he showed the picture to countless people, he got many different responses.

"Whoa! They are stunning!"

"Omg they are hot! And those guys! Move over Robert Pattinson!"

"What's their phone number?"

"Are they single?"

"Holy heck they are fit!"

"HELL YES! I'D TAP THAT!"

Charlie was a bit disconcerted when he realised that the man was looking directly at Emmett in the photo.

By the time darkness started to fall, he had asked 200 hundred people about the Cullens.

He drove home and spread his paper out across the kitchen table. He took out the laptop he had borrowed (stolen) from the police department and started putting the information into a spread sheet.

He put it into a chart once he was done, but his small brain was overwhelmed by the complexity of it. So he set it to 'idiot mode'. When he still couldn't understand, he hit the laptop in frustration.

The laptop automatically changed itself to 'brainless retard mode'

Charlie could now understand.

**Average score for the Cullen's attractiveness – 10**

**Percentage of those surveyed who gave a score of 10 – 100%**

**How hot are they? – EXTREMELY DROP DEAD GORGEOUS**

Smiling in satisfaction, Charlie pulled out his list. He wrote 'check' next to 'they are immortal and beautiful'.

'_Only two points left to go. Just you wait Edward, just you wait...'_


	14. Chapter 14

**Alright, here's the next chapter!**

**As usual, I don't own Twilight or anything related to it.**

**Now, I'm going away on holiday on Saturday so I can't promise any updates! I may be able to get one more chapter up before I go, and I **_**might**_** be able to update while I'm away. But NO promises!**

**Please please review with comments and suggestions or ideas!**

**Okay, enjoy!**

**Chapter 14**

The stress of conducting the survey had left Charlie exhausted, so he fell asleep at the table.

He awoke the next morning to the sounds of crashes and bangs. He was alarmed at first, but then realised it was just Bella walking into walls and objects, as she tended to do.

He changed and showered, ready for another day of deception and general nosy-ness.

He watched Bella warily as she got ready to go spend the day with Angela. Just as she was about to walk out the door, Charlie opened his mouth, wanting to yell, "Edward's cheating on you!"

But instead, he opted for something kinder (in his mind anyway)

"STAY AWAY FROM THAT VAMPIRE SCUMBAG YOU CALL YOUR BOYFRIEND!"

Bella simply glared at Charlie and slammed the door shut. Charlie sighed in relief, happy that his parental duties for the day had been completed.

He took the list from his pocket.

There were only two points he had not proven or attempted to prove.

_They are inhumanly fast and strong_

_They don't go out in direct sunlight_

After some consideration, he decided to try and prove their strength and speed first.

'_But how to do it...'_

Charlie's brain began to slowly work on an idea.

Meanwhile, Charlie plonked himself down in front of the sofa and started watching a bad Cop drama. When that ended, the weather forecast came on.

"There will be a rare hour of sunshine tomorrow in Forks! From 1:30 p.m. to 2:30 p.m. - Don't miss it now! It's our sunshine allowance for the year!"

A smaller, clever part of Charlie's brain realised this information could be useful and stored it. The larger, dumb part of Charlie's brain, was oblivious to any significance this news could have.

Several hours later, Charlie's Neanderthal brain coughed up a plan.

"Yes!" Charlie shouted, jumping up and running to his car. He drove to the Police station and once again delved into the surveillance cupboard that was never used by anyone other than himself.

An hour or so later he emerged with a cardboard box. As he left the station, the other police officers gave him suspicious looks, which Charlie ignored. When he reached his car, Charlie began to take things out of the box.

He took out a small camera and fixed it to the inside of the car, so it was pointing at the windscreen, giving a view of everything Charlie could see through it. On the outside of his car, he fixed a tiny sound recorder. He pulled out his mobile phone and popped off the back.

Inside the phone he placed a miniscule black circuit board. The instructions that came with it read:

**Police Issue Phone Tapping Device**

**-Will record all calls made by the phone and keeps a time record of these calls.**

Charlie checked over his handiwork and then smiled. Everything was going to plan. He sat down in the driver's seat and started up the car. He started to drive slowly out of town. He reached behind the seat and pulled out a baseball cap, placing it on his lap.

Next he took out his phone and dialled the number for the Cullen's house. He sniggered softly to himself.

The phone rang twice.

Someone picked up.

"Hello?"

"Hello, It's Charlie here. Who is this?"

"It's Jasper." Jasper was instantly suspicious. The rest of the Cullens, hearing Charlie on the phone, rushed to stand beside Jasper.

"Oh, hello Jasper. Now it's just to let you know that I'm just popping round, I need to speak to Carlisle."

Emmett childishly went, "Ooooh!"

Edward punched him in the face without even turning around.

Carlisle was instantly worried. Whatever Charlie had to speak to him about, it would almost definitely be tied in to Charlie trying to expose them.

"Okay...I'll tell him you're on your way..."

"Right, you do that. Could you possibly put Emmett on the phone?"

"Emmett?" The Cullens looked shocked and worried. There was a high possibility of Emmett saying something stupid.

"Yes, Emmett! E.M.M.E.T.T! He's your brother!" Charlie spoke slowly and condescendingly, as if talking to a child.

Jasper growled angrily into the phone.

Esme smacked him on the side of the head to get him to shut up.

Wordlessly, Jasper handed the phone to Emmett.

"Yo Charlie! How are you?!"

"Emm... I'm great Emmett. Oh, by the way, did you see the Mariner's last game?"

Emmett and Charlie then began a huge conversation about Baseball.

After a few minutes the Cullens became bored and wandered off, realising they weren't talking about anything that could endanger the family.

At this point, Charlie had just turned into the Cullen's driveway.

"So, Emmett, what I have been meaning to ask you is if you want an old Mariners cap that I have lying around?"

"HELL YEAH! Thanks Charlie!"

"It's nothing, really. So, are you at your house right now?"

Emmett did not hear the subtle undertone of tension in Charlie's voice.

"Yeah, I'm at my house right now."

"Well I just turned into your driveway, so how far away am I?"

"Oh, about 3 miles."

Charlie's face broke into a grin. Everything was going to plan.

As Emmett was about to ask what the cap was like (He had always wanted one), Charlie implemented the next phase of his plan. As he reached the treacherous bend in the road where he had crashed before, he let his tyres skid across the gravel and began to fake scream.

"AAAAAAAAAARGH! I'VE LOST CONTROL OF THE CAR! I'M HEADING TOWARDS THE RIVER! NOOOOOOOOOO!"

Emmett gasped at the other end of the line and the Cullens, upon hearing Charlie's screams through the phone, ran back downstairs.

Emmett took one step towards the door.

As his car continued to skid, out of control, towards the cliff overlooking the river, Charlie smiled.

'_Any second now, Emmett will appear and save me.'_

Carlisle jumped in front of Emmett.

"No! You can't go save him! It would take a human at least ten minutes to get to him!"

"But we can't let him die!" Yelled Emmett, who rather liked Charlie, and the conversations they had about baseball.

"Says who?" Said Edward icily.

As a large argument ensued between the Cullens, Charlie's car reached the edge of the cliff.

'_Any second now! COME ON EMMETT!'_

3 miles away in the Cullen's house, the argument over whether Emmett should save Charlie was interrupted by the sounds of Charlie's terrified screams coming through the phone.

Charlie, upon realising – as his car went over the cliff- that Emmett had not saved him, began to scream like a girl.

His scream continued for a second or two while his car plummeted toward the icy cold river below. Then, his car unexpectedly stopped. Charlie stopped screaming and cracked open an eye, expecting to see Emmett holding his car up.

What he saw instead was leaves. Lots of leaves. After a few seconds he realised that his car was caught on a tree that was sticking out horizontally from the side of the cliff over looking the river.

Charlie sighed in relief, but that small movement caused the tree to bend and creak.

Charlie's eyes widened.

Back at the house the Cullen's stared at the phone in terror as Charlie's screams abruptly cut off. They were all thinking the worst.

Then, suddenly, Charlie said, "Oh god! Please help me!"

He no longer had to pretend being scared.

The Cullens relaxed upon hearing Charlie's voice. Carlisle picked up the phone.

"Don't worry Charlie, we are on our way. It will take us a little time to get to you, so hang tight."

"Hang tight? HAND TIGHT?!!! DO YOU THINK IT IS _FUNNY_ THAT I AM DANGLING FROM A TREE WITH A DROP OF 100 FEET DOWN TO THE RIVER BELOW ME?"

Edward, upon hearing about Charlie's predicament, though it was very funny _indeed_, and broke into hysterical laughter.

"I CAN HEAR YOU EDWARD YOU LITTLE FUCKER! GET YOU ASS DOWN HERE AND SAVE ME!"

"We're coming now Charlie, we'll be there in ten minutes!"

Charlie, who was trying not to make any sudden movements, opened his mouth to shout some more but then remembered his plan. He had to get then to use speed and strength that would prove them to be vampires.

It took Charlie a few seconds to work out how, but eventually he realised how he would do it.

"Well, you better hurry. The Mariner's cap fell out the window. It's dangling from a twig. I don't know how much longer it can hold on!"

Emmett's eyes widened, and before any of the Cullens could stop him, he shot out the door, determined to save his hat, screaming "I'm leaving now!" as he left. It took the Cullens a few seconds to react, but by that time Emmett had already reached Charlie.

Charlie grinned as Emmett appeared in the tree. He reached out and grabbed the hat, placing it firmly on his head. Then he looked directly in through the windshield at Charlie.

"Don't worry Charlie, I've got this!"

As Emmett grabbed the front of the car and lifted it above his head, Charlie's thoughts were jubilant.

'_Yes! He fell for it! It only took him two seconds to get here! And now he's lifting A CAR! And I've got it all recorded!'_

He then realised Edward was undoubtedly on his way so he quickly started thinking,

'_AAAAAAAAAAAARGH! OH MY GOD! AAAAAAAAAAAH!'_

Emmett quickly climbed back up the cliff, holding Charlie's car above him in one hand. The nose of the car was pointing straight down so Charlie caught the entire thing on his tiny camera.

Emmett just grinned up at Charlie, happy to finally have a Mariners cap.

After a minute or so, Emmett lowered Charlie's car back down onto the driveway.

"There we go Charlie! Now you really need to watch yourself at that corner! It'll be the death of you!"

Emmett grinned and looked up from the car to see his family standing there. Standing shoulder to shoulder, arms crossed, glaring.

'_Shit' _Emmett thought.

Carlisle stepped forward and muttered angrily, but quietly;

"You are in _so_ much trouble young man!"

'_Double shit.'_


	15. Chapter 15

**Hey hey! I'm so sorry I haven't updated in so long but I was in France, got home, and then went to stay by the sea for a week the next day! **

**So here is the next chapter, I hope you like it. It's a bit of a filler but Jacob is in this one.... Lots of drama!**

**Okay so I still don't own Twilight.**

**Please review with comments, suggestions, or whatever really.**

**At 99 reviews right now! I'm so excited! :D**

**Chapter 15**

While the Cullens all hissed angrily at Emmett under their breath, they watched Charlie walk towards them.

He shook his pudgy head a few times, trying to steady himself and turned to face the Cullens.

"Well, thank you Emmett for saving me. Edward?"

Edward looked at Charlie warily, wondering what he was going to say.

"Fuck you for not saving me! You are a sick excuse for a boyfriend for my daughter!"

Edward glared and growled at Charlie while Jasper tried desperately to calm him down. Everyone laughed under their breath apart from Esme.

"Charlie! How dare you talk to Edward like that! And Bella is lucky to get a boy as wonderful as Edward!"

Charlie turned his glare to Esme.

"What are you implying?!" He spat angrily. "So is Bella not good enough for him then?!"

Realisation of what she said immediately dawned on Esme's face and she began to apologise; "No! Of course not! Bella's a lovely girl! I just meant that-" She was cut off by Charlie.

"GOD! You people think you are so superior! I am sick of it!"

The Cullens were all slightly taken aback and insulted by his outburst and stood listening in shock.

"You prance around like you are so high and mighty! And your flash your money all the time! STUPID SHINY VOLVO OWNERS!"

With that, Charlie strode forward and dug a leaflet out of his pocket. He shoved it at Carlisle and said angrily.

"The town has organised this. You better turn up and act like part of the community for once! And Carlisle, you need to be there as a first aider."

Charlie huffed angrily once more and turned back to his car, which was now covered in leaves. He got in and drove back down the driveway, out of sight.

The Cullens stood in shock staring after him, insulted by him implying that they lacked community spirit. It was ridiculous, but they all felt guilty.

After a minute Emmett asked, "Why do I feel guilty?"

Carlisle replied slowly, "I don't know..."

Jasper, sick of this depressing mood, sent a burst of energy to everyone and they immediately perked up.

"So." Alice said. "What does that say?" Pointing to the paper in Carlisle's hand.

Carlisle held it up and they all read it.

FORKS COMMUNITY DAY.

CENTRAL SQUARE 1P.M. UNTIL 3P.M.

BRING ALL THE FAMILY FOR A FUN PACKED DAY!

HIGHLIGHTS INCLUDE,

GRANNY BREAK DANCING,

A LOGGING DEMONSTARTION BY JOE THE LUMBER JACK,

GROUP RAIN DANCE

_SPONSORED BY NEWTON'S OUTDOOR STORE_

The Cullens all turned to look at each other.

"Well, it seems Charlie is really trying to improve community spirit." Said Rosalie, surprised. They all nodded in agreement.

"Well, it looks like we will be going along tomorrow then." Said Carlisle. They walked back towards the house, while Emmett skipped, yelling, "Rain dance! YAY!"

Meanwhile, Charlie drove home grinning, knowing they would have fallen for his trick.

He plonked himself down in the kitchen and drunk a few beers, passing the time until he implemented his next plan. Just as he was about to open another, there was a knock at the door. Charlie sighed heavily and heaved himself up. He pulled open the door to reveal a smiling Jacob.

"Hello Charlie!"

"Jacob!" Charlie grinned widely and shook his hand enthusiastically; always happy to meet the boy he wished his daughter would date.

"So Charlie I built this cool sculpture out of old car parts and I want to surprise Bella with it. Do you think you could help me carry it from my truck and put it in your garden?"

"Sure, that's such a great idea!"

So, the two of them went over to Jacob's dilapidated truck. There, lying on the back was a sad excuse for a sculpture. It was a retarded and weird looking tangle of rusted metal.

Charlie's face lit up. "Wow! That's so beautiful Jacob!"

"I know right! I think we just have good taste, don't we Charlie?!"

Charlie nodded in agreement and helped Jacob drag the piece of crap across the front lawn, dropping shards of rusted metal along the way.

They eventually found a suitable place for the abomination near the trees and stood back to admire it.

"Well Jacob, this certainly will impress Bella! She will definitely see this and realise that you are the man for her, not that despicable Edward!"

"Oh yeah! Totally! So where's Bella right now?"

Charlie's grin disappeared. "Probably at that fucking leech's house."

Jacob growled quietly. Charlie nodded in agreement with the growl.

As they stood there in silence, mulling over their mutual hatred of Edward, something surprising happened.

Jacob, caught up in his thoughts about killing Edward, did not notice the giant bear that lumbered out of the woods and came to stand right next to Charlie.

Just as Charlie realised something was breathing down his neck and began to turn, the bear prepared the pounce. Jacob, upon seeing this, didn't hesitate and sprung at the bear, transforming into a wolf in mid air.

Charlie turned just slightly too late to catch this.

He watched in horror as the giant wolf grabbed the bear by the neck and dragged it into the woods.

Fear was pumping through his veins and Charlie began to stumble backwards, only to hit Jacob's 'art'; fall back, and hit his head on a rock.

He was unconscious immediately.

The next thing he knew, he awoke and opened his eyes, to find the face of a giant terrifying werewolf right in front of his. He screamed and began to crawl away. He pulled himself up and turned toward the wolf which was standing staring at him. His hand flew to where his gun would normally be but then remembered he had forgotten it that day.

'_Shit!'_

It was then that the wolf began to shake, and phased back into Jacob.

Charlie gasped, realising that the wolf, was in fact, Jacob.

All his hopes for Bella and his future grand children disappeared in that instant.

"No!" He yelled at Jacob.

"NOT YOU TOO! YOU'RE MEANT TO BE THE NORMAL ONE! NO!"

Jacob was looking rather sheepish.

"Look, Charlie, I'm sorry, but you were never meant to know. It's a secret."

"WELL I'M NOT SUPRISED IT'S A BLOODY SECRET! YOU DON'T NORMALLY TRANSFORM INTO A GIANT TERRIFYING WOLF WHEN YOU COME AROUND!"

"Charlie, you must forget what you just saw. It's dangerous for you to know!"

"Forget? FORGET?!" I don't think I can! I'm scarred for life!"

Charlie fell to the ground overcome by grief. He had just lost the one hope of finding his daughter a decent boyfriend.

"I can't believe it!" He muttered to the ground. "You were meant to be with Bella, but you are just as much of a freak as HIM!"

"Hey now Charlie! Don't compare me to THAT! He's a murderer, I'm not! And I am still human...most of the time...."

Charlie shook his head. He couldn't deal with all the monsters he was discovering.

He looked up and Jacob who had a pleading look on his face. Wanting Charlie to understand that he wasn't as bad as Edward and still want him to be with Bella.

Charlie simply shook his head again.

"I'm sorry Jacob, but my girl needs someone human. And even though you are human right now, you still won't do."

"Why?" Asked Jacob, upset.

Charlie stared pointedly at the normally covered piece of Jacob's anatomy that was pitifully lacking in size.

"Sorry, but there is no way Bella will settle for one that size."

Jacob hung his head in shame.

"I'll just go then." Jacob wandered back to his truck, head hanging, jumped in and drove off.

Charlie let out a long sigh and walked back inside.

He was still processing what he had just witnessed.

He went to the kitchen and saw two bottles of unopened beer.

'_I'm going to need more than that.'_

Charlie opened a cupboard; brought out 12 more, sat down, and began to drown his sorrows.


	16. Chapter 16

**Firstly, I am so sorry for not updating in so long but school's really busy this year and I have exams coming up so I can't make any promises about frequent updates! Sorry!**

**But, I managed to find some time and write this. And yes, I know it's the day after Halloween but oh well does it really matter?**

**As always, please review with comments or ideas.**

**I don't own anything.**

**Chapter 16**

Bella walked in the door to be confronted with the sight of Charlie slumped asleep in a drunken stupor over the kitchen table. Again. Sighing, she made her way upstairs.

*****************The Next Day**************************

Bella awoke to find the kitchen empty as Charlie had decided he would rather nurse his hangover from the comfort of his own bed. After breakfast she jumped (fell retardedly) into her truck and crawled her way to Port Angeles. After hours of searching for clothes with Alice, she eventually reached home. Bella and Alice parted with a hug and Alice wishing her 'good luck!' and Bella made her way up to her room.

Around 5 Charlie was able to stand and so dragged his podgy ass downstairs for some aspirin. After some gratuitous drug use he felt an awful lot better. As he sat contemplating his plans for revealing the Cullen's identity, he heard footfalls on the stairs.

It took his slow brain a long stretch of time to come up with an explanation for what he saw. Bella walking downstairs with an overnight bad slung over her arm – dressed in a nun's outfit. The long black robe fell down to her knees and the veil on her head trailed demurely down her back. Her make-up free clear innocent eyes looked at Charlie.

She stood at the bottom of the stairs, patiently waiting for Charlie's brain to catch up with her own.

Charlie scratched his head.

He hummed.

He hawed.

Several more minutes went by.

"OH! Happy Halloween Bells!"

Finally.

"Thanks dad! So, I'm just going to be heading off to the Cullens party now, BYEEEE!"

Bella made a run for the door but Charlie grabbed her. "What? Party? At the Cullens? PARTY AT THE CULLENS? PARTY _WITH _THE CULLENS! NO WAY!"

Bella could see his panic escalating and acted quickly. "Dad! Calm down! The whole of our year is going! There will be _lots_ of people so therefore _lots_ of people to _witness_ the party so _no one_ will be doing _anything bad_! Anyway, come on, do you really not trust me dad? I'm so hurt!" At this point Bella turned on the waterworks. The tears, coupled with the fact Charlie simply could not be suspicious of his daughter while dressed as a nun made him say,

"Well, okay then. But no drinking, no drugs and no Edward!"

"Sure Dad, but Edward's my boyfriend so you can't stop me from being with him!" Replied Bella quickly making her way out the door.

By the time Charlie had processed this Bella was halfway down the drive and as she drove away he yelled;

"You're a nun Bella! Abstinence! ABSTINENCE!!!!!!!!"

Once her car had disappeared from view Charlie caught sight of Mrs Dunn across the road, glaring at him. Glaring back, he turned back inside.

Meanwhile, Bella had driven to the Cullen's house. She pulled up the driveway and as she rounded the corner she could see the multitude of cars out front and the flashing lights from inside, and hear the pounding bass of the music. Grinning, she walked up to the door and rang the bell. The door instantly opened to reveal Emmett who grabbed Bella and swung her round. She giggled in delight and greeted him, complimenting him on the accuracy of his Count Dracula costume.

She then turned her attention inside. The entire room was packing with people swaying and jumping to the music. She tried hard to recognise her school friends but the costumes made it difficult. All she could see where zombies, ghosts, slutty bunnies and the occasional fake – and real – vampire.

Bella pushed her way through the crowd, bumping into Jessica the playboy bunny, Mike the Roman Soldier and Angela the witch. Finally, she felt strong cool arms around her. She turned to see Edward the Greek god staring down at her, resplendent in his toga. After a thorough eyeing up of his body, Bella kissed him hello on the cheek and he grinned back. However, as his eyes trailed downwards the grin faded. Over the din of the music he shouted;

"Em, Bella love, what on earth are you wearing?"

"I'm a nun! Duh!" Bella shouted back.

Edward hastily backtracked "Oh, okay, I see, well, you look stunning my Bella. I love the, uh, robe on you."

Edward began to turn and pull her with him and he could have sworn he heard Bella whisper "Oh believe me you'll love it even more when it's _off_ me!"

Edward dismissed it as the music was distorting his hearing and managed to make his way to the makeshift bar that Jasper was tending. Jasper made up a compliment about Bella's outfit and Bella praised his zombie outfit. Jasper handed Edward a beer and he passed it to Bella.

"Hope you're not a lightweight!" He said jokingly.

Bella grinned and chugged the beer. Once she was done she grabbed Edward's hand and began to drag him upstairs.

"Where are we going Bella?"

"You'll see!" Bella purred.

Edward began to feel a little uneasy.

Half a minute later they reached Edward's room where the music was reduced to only a distant dim pounding. Edward put on some of his beloved emo music and sat down on his couch with a sigh.

Bella however was about to implement her plan.

"Edward, I have a confession to make. I have not been completely honest with you."

Edward's head snapped up. "What?! GOOD GOD DID YOU HAVE CARNAL RELATIONS WITH THE _DOG?!_ I SWEAR TO GOD BELLA I WON'T STAND FOR-"

Bella cut him off. "No! Of course not!"

Edward relaxed into his sofa, relieved.

"But, I did lie to you about my outfit."

"Your outfit?" Edward questioned, perplexed.

"Yes." Bella purred. Trying to be seductive. She was now standing right in front of Edward.

"This nun's outfit is not my actual costume."

"Well what is?" Edward was still very confused.

Without warning Bella jumped onto Edward's lap, straddling him. Edward was rooted to his seat in shock.

Bella's eyes were dark and triumphant.

"This is."

Bella reached for the bottom of her robe and quickly and easily slipped it over her head to reveal her true costume.

A stripper's outfit.

Edward's eyes widened and he was too shocked to move.

Bella leaned forward, pressing her lingerie-clad body against Edward, who was desperately trying to avert his eyes but everywhere he looked there was red and black lace or bare skin.

"Bella! This is not an appropriate way to behave! You are a young lady!"

Bella felt her confidence waver for a moment but then told herself that Alice had said this would work when buying her the lingerie that afternoon.

"I know right! I'm so naughty! I think you should punish me!"

At this point it was all too much for poor Edward and he pushed Bella off his lap, horrified, and raced downstairs.

Bella picked herself dejectedly up off the floor, feeling rejected and unwanted.

'_God! I can't even seduce my own boyfriend! What kind of girl am I!'_

Drowning in self pity she made her way downstairs. She stumbled her way through the revellers, getting many cat calls and whistles from her fellow high school students at her new attire. Upon finding a cup of vodka she snatched it up and downed it. Then she stumbled upon some gin. Down her throat. Bacardi Breezer. Yum. A cocktail. Nice. Ten minutes later, things got a little hazy for Isabella Marie swan.

Edward meanwhile was in the kitchen with Esme, explaining the situation and she offered some motherly advice.

"Now Edward, that girl has needs. And they are not the kind of needs easily forgotten. You are going to have to do something to satiate her, but a little bit of distraction would go a long way. Take her out for dinner, go for a hike. Just keep her busy."

"Okay, thanks Esme" said Edward, slightly embarrassed.

As he went back into the main room where the party was still in full swing, his mouth fell open at the sight in front of him. Up on the table next to the DJ was Bella. Semi-clothed Bella. Swaying her hips, jumping up and down and tossing her hair and generally dancing sexily in a drunken way. The entire room was watching, the guys egging her on, some girls cheering, others yelling, "SLUT!" The rest of the Cullens were just watching in amusement.

Bella was oblivious to the attention and was just practicing the moves she was going to show Edward, forgetting in her drunkenness she was in a room full of people in only a bra and knickers. Edward shook off his shock and shoved his way through to Bella, grabbing her by the waist and pulling her off the table to cries of disappointment from the guys, and yells of "HAHA Bella, Edward wants a piece of _that_!" – From the girls!

As Edward carried the struggling, rambling, drunken Bella through the crowd he thought to himself, _'can this night get any worse?'_

At that very moment the doorbell rang and Tyler wrenched open the door to reveal the Volturi. Marcus, Aro and Caius stood in the doorway in their black cloaks with their red eyes, flanked by a dozen Volturi guards who looked similar. The entire room fell silent as all turned to stare at the new arrivals.

Then, after a few heart beats Jessica screamed, "YAY! STRIPPERS!"

At this the entire room exploded into noise once again and the shocked Volturi were dragged into the room by the drunken high school students. They were stripped of their cloaks and given drinks which they refused. But, the atmosphere was infectious and the Cullens watched in disbelief as five minutes later the Volturi were half naked, jumping up and down and singing along to the songs in Italian.

Many hours later after the Volturi, Bella, the Cullens and the rest of the revellers had done the Macarena together, most of the guests had left, leaving devastation in their wake.

The Volturi picked up their clothes and as they were heading out the door Marcus said, "Hey Carlisle! Thanks for a great party! See you next year, yeah? Oh, by the way, no worries about Bella, change her whenever you want, as long as she's still willing to show us her awesome dance moves!" The Volturi guard cheered in agreement and they all disappeared into the darkness.

The Cullens were all laughing under their breath at Bella who was rolling around on the floor singing "Disturbia" by Rihanna. Edward rolled his eyes and picked her up, carrying her to his room and depositing her on the sofa.

"Right, sleep that alcohol off Bella."

"'kay Eddy poos! I'll sssssssseeeeeeee you in the morning lover boy!" slurred Bella drunkenly and she quickly fell sound asleep.

Edward sighed and sat down by his stereo, hoping to enjoy some of his favourite music.

"Mmmmm yes Edward do that again! MMMhhhh!"

Bella was talking in her sleep.

It was going to be a long night for Edward Cullen.


End file.
